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new and lost

jenjen74

hello

im jen - i have a 13 year old son who under going consultation for asc finding the whole thing daunting.

he has a history of wanting to harm himself,violent agressive outbursts,conforms at school extrememly academic but looses it at home - there only me and also my daughter 9 who his sibling.

family dont want to know - don't agree with the process nor want to accept this could be a huge possibility.in their eyes he short of a good hiding and some severe discipline. I split from their dad nearly 3 years ago and a lot of things have come to light since,more so since nov 2013 as my son tried to take his own life with a blind cord a week before my ex took me to court regarding contact with the children,my sons excuse was he didnt want to see his dad and thought this was the answer,but obviously not - emergency crisis team at a&e got involved and from then everythin has spiralled.....

appointments with camhs, speech and language and so many more...

Parents

  • Hi Jenjen74

    Firstly a big hug to you ...secondly seeking support and guidance is a great start.  Does your son know of his diagnosis and does he understand it?  There may be a period of adjustment for some after a diagnosis, so some anger may come from fear.

    He may also be hurting you to see if you will leave like his dad did.  He may feel his dad leaving is his fault and pushes your buttons in the hopes of confirming his belief.  Children do tend to blame themselves so it is important to stress that he had nothing to do with his dad leaving. 

    It is important that your daughter is protected from his outbursts as much as possible and that both children don't feel you favour one over the other.  This can be extremely hard when he feels so low.  I used to have alternate Saturday where I would do something with one child of their choosing and next weekend with the other.  

    I also never forced my children to see their dad, it was always their choice and I made it clear that whatever they choose was absolutely ok.  Sometimes they refused to see their dad and I got dragged to court, but I stood my ground.  The father until recently believed I lied or had turned them against him.  My eldest told him recently that I had always asked if they wanted to see dad or invite him to events and has told them that if ever they wanted to see him I would drive them over if he couldn't pick them up.  My son said he just went quiet and had nothing to say, I don't suppose he will ever apologise for bad mouthing me.   Anyway my point is that you can get through this.  Their are many of us parents who have been through similar situations, so please keep talking and sharing your problems.

    Hugs

Reply

  • Hi Jenjen74

    Firstly a big hug to you ...secondly seeking support and guidance is a great start.  Does your son know of his diagnosis and does he understand it?  There may be a period of adjustment for some after a diagnosis, so some anger may come from fear.

    He may also be hurting you to see if you will leave like his dad did.  He may feel his dad leaving is his fault and pushes your buttons in the hopes of confirming his belief.  Children do tend to blame themselves so it is important to stress that he had nothing to do with his dad leaving. 

    It is important that your daughter is protected from his outbursts as much as possible and that both children don't feel you favour one over the other.  This can be extremely hard when he feels so low.  I used to have alternate Saturday where I would do something with one child of their choosing and next weekend with the other.  

    I also never forced my children to see their dad, it was always their choice and I made it clear that whatever they choose was absolutely ok.  Sometimes they refused to see their dad and I got dragged to court, but I stood my ground.  The father until recently believed I lied or had turned them against him.  My eldest told him recently that I had always asked if they wanted to see dad or invite him to events and has told them that if ever they wanted to see him I would drive them over if he couldn't pick them up.  My son said he just went quiet and had nothing to say, I don't suppose he will ever apologise for bad mouthing me.   Anyway my point is that you can get through this.  Their are many of us parents who have been through similar situations, so please keep talking and sharing your problems.

    Hugs

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