new and lost

I just read your post, and thought how similar our stories are. My now 14yr old boy was only diagnosed with Asperger's after not coping following the transition to senior school. He became more and more anxious not sleeping then depressed, talked about dying all the time and tried to take his own life...all whilst only 12 years old. He would also have regular meltdowns, and would" attack me" grappling me to the ground, sometimes just to hold me there and shout, sometimes to poke and hurt me to try and get his own way...

Anyway there is hope:) Once diagnosed people around slowly stopped telling me how I should discipline him more/be stricter etc, and I learnt a lot about ASD behaviour and management from this site and books, and a managing anger seminar run by the NAS. Basically the main thing is for you to stay calm and safe, and not escalate the behaviour. To an outsider sometimes it looks as if you are letting the child "rule", but in reality I pick my battles, and often end up discussing unacceptable behaviour long after the event when he has calmed down enough to listen, and then giving a consequence for it. I started this process very gradually as like you my son was in a very low state, and needed all the love and reassurance I could give him. It was exhausting, and very difficult for his younger brother. It also resulted in me separating from my husband of many years( who probably is undiagnosed ASD), as his belief was that anger needed to be met with bigger stronger adult anger, resulting in my son becoming terrified of him.

My best advice be kind to yourself and trust your gut instinct, get support from others in the same position, sadly parents with neurotypical kids will struggle to understand and often end up undermining your confidence. Finally things are now oddles better for us, after a year on my own, my son getting his diagnosis and some antidepressants, and going to a fabulous independant special school...I finally feel like I have my old son back.

I just read your post, and thought how similar our stories are. My now 14yr old boy was only diagnosed with Asperger's after not coping following the transition to senior school. He became more and more anxious not sleeping then depressed, talked about dying all the time and tried to take his own life...all whilst only 12 years old. He would also have regular meltdowns, and would" attack me" grappling me to the ground, sometimes just to hold me there and shout, sometimes to poke and hurt me to try and get his own way...

Anyway there is hope:) Once diagnosed people around slowly stopped telling me how I should discipline him more/be stricter etc, and I learnt a lot about ASD behaviour and management from this site and books, and a managing anger seminar run by the NAS. Basically the main thing is for you to stay calm and safe, and not escalate the behaviour. To an outsider sometimes it looks as if you are letting the child "rule", but in reality I pick my battles, and often end up discussing unacceptable behaviour long after the event when he has calmed down enough to listen, and then giving a consequence for it. I started this process very gradually as like you my son was in a very low state, and needed all the love and reassurance I could give him. It was exhausting, and very difficult for his younger brother. It also resulted in me separating from my husband of many years( who probably is undiagnosed ASD), as his belief was that anger needed to be met with bigger stronger adult anger, resulting in my son becoming terrified of him.

My best advice be kind to yourself and trust your gut instinct, get support from others in the same position, sadly parents with neurotypical kids will struggle to understand and often end up undermining your confidence. Finally things are now oddles better for us, after a year on my own, my son getting his diagnosis and some antidepressants, and going to a fabulous independant special school...I finally feel like I have my old son back.