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Is my autistic ex-boyfriend being truthful?

NAS94922

Putting this here as I honestly don’t know where else. 

I’ve been in a relationship with my autistic boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I ended it about 3 weeks ago now as I was being consistently disappointed with his lack of effort towards our relationship, despite having multiple conversations about this. Throughout our relationship I really tried to be compassionate with his struggles and understand him and how I can best help him. However it still felt I was doing 75% and he was doing 25%. The final nail in the coffin for us was during another conversation about his lack of effort. I was telling him that it would be really nice if he could go the extra mile like I do for him. For example, if I went to the shops and saw something he liked I’d get it for him, if he had had a bad day I would cook dinner for him or I would send him something small in the post (we were long distance on and off as we went to different unis but lived in the same hometown). He would never do any of this for me, so I was trying to explain this to him and he said ‘okay. I can do that, but what do you like?’

after two and a half years he couldn’t tell me what I liked. Like he literally had no idea about my likes, dislikes or anything about me.

I honestly got quite upset with him as I was pretty shocked and things ended a month later. (He would implement the changes I’d asked for a little bit and then things would go back to normal - such as the cycle for our whole relationship) 

So this is my question, he blamed his lack of knowledge of me (his partner) on his autism. Does autism present this way?

I’m honestly having a hard time with this and I’m also questioning a lot of the other stuff he blamed his autism on too. I never wanted to invalidate his experience but I’m honestly wondering if him not knowing anything about me is actually his autism or is he just using it as an excuse?

I am NT so I can’t relate to his experience but I thought others who are ND might be able to? It would be really great to get an insight. 

For context he is currently in the process of a proper diagnosis but was told as a child he probably has it, although no official diagnosis was made then. Though I would say in day to day life he rarely needs that much support.

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  • NAS94922 said:
    after two and a half years he couldn’t tell me what I liked. Like he literally had no idea about my likes, dislikes or anything about me.

    If you didn't actually use terms like "I really like that handbag" then there is a very real possibility that he would not be able to identify that it was a present option for you.

    Many autists struggle with social cues including working out what present options are. I used to have a hard time deciding what to get my wife after 24 years of marriage and that was with me trying to stay alert to potential items of interest - it can really be that opaque for us.

    NAS94922 said:
    I honestly got quite upset with him as I was pretty shocked and things ended a month later.

    With the benefit of the knowledge of the above, would you have acted any differently? We can be hard work for "normal" people and if you are not able to handle our level of differentness then it is a good thing to be aware of so you can add it to your potential partner filter lists in future.

    NAS94922 said:
    I’m also questioning a lot of the other stuff he blamed his autism on too.

    My personal opinion is that this is likely to be a mix of legitimate issues he is talking about and some that are just convenient as they require effort that he may not have the energy to deal with. Without knowing the specifics it is impossible to give you an answer but the fact he was causing you to feel the way you were is probably the sign that a relationship with him would not work out long term.

    All the above is in my opinion only of course.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks for the reply!

    to answer some of your questions, what I meant by him not knowing my likes wasn’t necessarily about gift giving, I can see I should of been a bit clearer. But that after years of being together he couldn’t say one accurate thing about me, and the stuff I was listing I know I had told him before, like what my favourite food as just an example. And he blamed this lack of knowledge on his autism. 

    I also know that I would have not acted any differently. I was upset but at the time his excuse of ‘I’m autistic it’s just what happens’ meant I was compassionate towards him but the more I thought about it afterwards the less it made sense to me. I.e I expressed I was hurt by his lack of knowledge but his excuse towards this curbed those feelings until I actually thought about it properly.

    What frustrates me is that throughout our relationship I told him to express to me if what I was asking wasn’t possible for him, so I could either adjust my expectations or find another partner more suitable. But he kept saying everything was fine while I continued to be disappointed by him.

    thank you for your insight as well!

  • in reply to NAS94922
    NAS94922 said:
    What frustrates me is that throughout our relationship I told him to express to me if what I was asking wasn’t possible for him, so I could either adjust my expectations or find another partner more suitable. But he kept saying everything was fine while I continued to be disappointed by him.

    This does sound like he was "masking" - another common autistic trait where we act the way we think we are expected to and often chose the path of least resistance.

    At the end of the day there is also no reason to think that there is not an element of you ex being a bit of a jerk too - you gave him adequate opportunity to ask things and tolerated his differences yet he continued with his actions.

    It is impossible to tell for sure but I think you did the right thing for you in this situation - you deserve to be treated better.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you, I really appreciate that and your insight, a lot to think about!

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