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Not dealing well with change

jonathan_downer

I am undiagnosed, older, new to ALL of this, and really struggling to cope. It is now the Easter break (I teach) and again I have had a kind of meltdown about planning the break with my partner. I'm new to all of this but i is my understanding that ADHD and Autism make plans very differently . My partner writes things on the calendar, but I know that they can and do change very frequently (her work is random at can change when shes in or out very last minute) I'm massively struggling to cope with a feeling of not being able to set any events for us as a family, but whenever i approach her about doing this her ADHD seems to react with very strong resistance , wanting to keep it all fluid and 'open' and subject to change. I'm left being made to feel that I'm being overly controlling, when all I am doing is begging for some kind of clarity or fixity in our plans. I am told that I need to loosen up, that I'm probably autistic (which you would think would mitigate the accusatory tone?) and I am so confused and depressed by living like this with no way to fix dates with my partner. Anyone else experience this feeling of powerlessness when people constantly change dates around and make out that 'it's just life' ???

  • Yes, few people wouldn't feel frustrated and cross, whethere they're ND or NT. I get that work can be sporadic and when you're self employed when the works there you pretty much have to take it.

    I'd plan stuff and say this is what the family are doing, if you can come great, but you're not stopping us from going. She can either kick off and get upset and angry, she could book the time off and stick to it, or she can accept that this is how it will have to be.

    'It's just life', must be one of the most irritating things that can be said to someone who's trying to find solutions when the other dosn't want to compromise or accept that the other person is quite valid feeling the way you do.

  • Could give write her a letter (giving you time to think things out) explaining how you feel and why? She might enjoy rush and bustle and simply not perceive why you need clarity and definition. Myself, as an autistic, I need planning and dislike change. I am much more relaxed since retiring, and can order my day, choosing to live as a virtual hermit. There's nothing wrong with either view. Perhaps adrenaline rush is preventing you both communicating clearly. Does she fear quiet and planning? For some, rush and bustle are their lifeblood - they fear losing their identity without it.