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Not dealing well with change

jonathan_downer

I am undiagnosed, older, new to ALL of this, and really struggling to cope. It is now the Easter break (I teach) and again I have had a kind of meltdown about planning the break with my partner. I'm new to all of this but i is my understanding that ADHD and Autism make plans very differently . My partner writes things on the calendar, but I know that they can and do change very frequently (her work is random at can change when shes in or out very last minute) I'm massively struggling to cope with a feeling of not being able to set any events for us as a family, but whenever i approach her about doing this her ADHD seems to react with very strong resistance , wanting to keep it all fluid and 'open' and subject to change. I'm left being made to feel that I'm being overly controlling, when all I am doing is begging for some kind of clarity or fixity in our plans. I am told that I need to loosen up, that I'm probably autistic (which you would think would mitigate the accusatory tone?) and I am so confused and depressed by living like this with no way to fix dates with my partner. Anyone else experience this feeling of powerlessness when people constantly change dates around and make out that 'it's just life' ???

  • Life is a double-edged sword. Unfortunately, for us, we get the wrong edge all the time.

    The modern work environment is about flexibility, so it does conflict with our desire for structure. We can't be all things, to all men.

    We're powerless, but not helpless. Have you a Key Worker? That could help create a plan for how to communicate with your partner.

  • One way to look at whether your desire for consistency is fair and valid is to look at the impact your desire has on the whole family.

    Your partners work requires this flexibility so realistically for them to find something that works for you they need to find a different job. They could argue that you would be puting the convenience of the family events in front of being able to provide for the family in the current difficult financial situation.

    This is seeing it from their side. Consider it when working out whether the stress it causes you is something worth accepting.

    I am not advocating for one side or the other but trying to help you consider if you are the party who needs to make the changes or not. It is your decision at the end of the day of course.

    If you consider your change resistance as something you want to change (no pun intended) then I would recommend having sessions with a psychotherapist who has experience with autistic change resistance as they can often help.

    This is a subject I was reading up on recently and the consensus of what I read is that there is a sense of control that we get from having things non change and in a world that is often stressful in so many other ways, having control here gives us some sense of stability.

    As such some therapists will work on helping you find that sense of control in other aspects of your life so you can afford to let the change resistance slip - just by finding a replacement option that works for you.

    These are just some points for consideration - you are the one who has to decide what to do but a specialist is the best tool available to you in my opinion.

    Good luck.

  • Yes, few people wouldn't feel frustrated and cross, whethere they're ND or NT. I get that work can be sporadic and when you're self employed when the works there you pretty much have to take it.

    I'd plan stuff and say this is what the family are doing, if you can come great, but you're not stopping us from going. She can either kick off and get upset and angry, she could book the time off and stick to it, or she can accept that this is how it will have to be.

    'It's just life', must be one of the most irritating things that can be said to someone who's trying to find solutions when the other dosn't want to compromise or accept that the other person is quite valid feeling the way you do.

  • Could give write her a letter (giving you time to think things out) explaining how you feel and why? She might enjoy rush and bustle and simply not perceive why you need clarity and definition. Myself, as an autistic, I need planning and dislike change. I am much more relaxed since retiring, and can order my day, choosing to live as a virtual hermit. There's nothing wrong with either view. Perhaps adrenaline rush is preventing you both communicating clearly. Does she fear quiet and planning? For some, rush and bustle are their lifeblood - they fear losing their identity without it.