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Belonging

Hergé

Music is a really important part of my life (I wish I could play but my fine motor skills aren't great). I'm having a day off today and I stuck YouTube on in the background and a song came on that I love and kind of struggle with.

It's by a band called Bear's Den ( which most people haven't heard of), the song is called The Crow which is basically is a song about the loss of an important father figure.

It's really the video that gets me, it's really simple as it only has couples and families just sitting by one another while the song overlays. The sense of emotion and their obvious love and need for one another is clear, that's why I find it so affecting, I don't feel that sense of belonging and it's probably become the biggest issue in my life, I want to feel that I belong and yet , I just don't. How do you express that to the people who care for you? It's not that they aren't desperately important to me and that I couldn't see myself being here without them. Could comfort and warm familiarity just be my version of love?

Emotional permanence can be a factor and that people just disappear from my emotional consciousness. Those feelings aren't really the same when they are back in my life. I'm missing my son who is away at university, he's coming back up tomorrow and I'm desperate to see him but I'm scared that it will not be the same.

I don't know if it's because my usual routine has been broken or if it's my new ADHD meds but I feel slightly unsettled and lost.

Anyway, take care of yourselves.

The Crow - Bear's Den

  • in reply to jonathan_downer

    Hi,

    I was having a conversation with a guy at a support group I attended (Andys), he's not ND but it was around the similar topic. We're both in our 50s with kids in there 20s so they don't really need support. It was a discussion about the loss of our roll in the world. Over the years become carer, educator, provider etc and that all just slips away, so you sort of lose your identity.

    I just feel that I'm loosing all the important structure in my life. 

    My feelings are compounded by the fact that I struggle with my core identity to start with.

    On the whole schedule thing. I much prefer to know well in advance of any changes, I can just wing it but it's certainly not my preferred opinion.

    Good luck and take care.

  • Hello Herge, I am just newly engaging with the idea that I might be autistic, I'm here just looking for answers I suppose. I think I understand what you mean about the feeling of not belonging. In my own family (my partner and my son) it's like I am just detached somehow. That they are unaware that i feel detached, and I'm with them, but just unsure of my role. My son is older now and drifting in his own way, and he no longer looks to me for advice. There have been a lot of arguments in our house and he sides with his mum. This just exacerbates the feeling of disconnect I feel, like I'm there but there is no way of being 'there' , if that makes sense??? I'm very confused. I am REALLY struggling with my partner's extremely chaotic schedule, due to her ADHD. Our calendar changes a lot, and things promised or work commitments for her change daily, and i am left with the feeling that I am just at the mercy of external events, other people, that i can decide nothing about any day of my life. By the time I hit breakfast the whole day is mapped out, but could change at any time...I'm finding it intolerable, but asking for understanding is just creating huge rows, as she feels that I'm being controlling, when really I just want a day in the week that is 'set' , does anyone else feel like this about calendars and changing schedules . Like I said I think of myself as pretty adaptable but I'm being told that my reaction to this chaotic schedule is due to an undiagnosed autism. I'm really struggling , anyone feel this way?

  • in reply to Desmond1979

    My wife and kids are the anchors that hold me in place. If anything happens to destabilise those moorings I really don't know what would happen.

    I have people that are friendly but I'm not comfortable being fully open as I've learnt over the years that being dependent and vulnerable is always the safest option.

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    Thank you. It is lovely to have him back.  You are right, I have so much going on at the moment, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and lost. My medication is providing me with a slight improvement of clarity and some of those more difficult thoughts and feelings that had previously been drowned within the static have drifted to the fore.

    Hopefully it'll all work out sooner rather than later.

    Hugging

  • I’m sorry to hear that  

    It’s a very emotional video that is true.

    I don’t actually feel like I belong anywhere within the human realm. I mean I feel comfortable with my autistic group and probably do belong there but I know it’s not real belonging.

    The only place I feel I belong is in my  quiet place in nature a couple of large fields and some trees and lots of wildlife. This is the place that has held me in my truly dark times, it knows me and I feel accepted there for who I am without giving anything or taking anything away. 

    I think I understand a little bit about your situation with your son. My son lives in another country and when I see him it takes time for me to warm up and then I feel like I reconnect and when we part it feels like loss again. I don’t love him any less , it’s hard to explain but my feelings sort of hibernate while we’re apart.

    Don’t be hard on yourself, we’re complicated and you have a lot on your plate.

    Have a lovely time with your son.

    Blush

  • People find it difficult to express love. Families demand loyalty, but can infantilise us. We seek mutual friendship, from others, but they can also manipulate.

    There's little true love, these days. Even less mutual respect. People tend to prefer comfort, and convenience.

  • That was a beautiful song, and I had to get a tissue as it was very emotional. 

    I hope you are enjoying some time with your son and finding your own belonging. I think comfort and familiarity is definitely a very valid love.