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Kids can be cruel

Cloudbaby1975

Hello folks. Just wanted to share with you all.  My daughter who is waiting for an autism diagnosis has struggled with bullying through secondary school and now it’s happening at college too. She speaks without thinking how her audience might take what she has said and then boom she gets ostracised. It’s so tiring. I am also waiting for a diagnosis and it pretty much mirrors my experience of school years and onwards! The good news is she has some lovely friends who accept her for who she is and me to guide her. I spent a life time thinking that I needed to keep my mouth shut or suffer this kind of nonsense. These days I’ve stopped masking as it’s too exhausting and I feel so much happier. I’m hoping I can encourage her to do the same. Also as a therapist I have been reflecting that teaching autistic people social skills can feel a little insulting and misses the point really. Maybe neurotypical people need this training? What do you think? 

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  • I'm afraid that the majority create the social rules and society in general. It may not be pleasant or just, but it is the reality. As a very high-camouflaging autistic, I have long ago accepted that to function in allistic society and to realise the goals I have had in life I have to adapt to what the majority expect. Apart from occasional exhaustion due to overdoing socialising, masking does not cause me any particular distress, so I habitually do it and I think it has helped me greatly. I think that school is not a pleasant place for the vast majority of autistics and pack mentality means that anyone even a little different can be bullied. I believed that I early on recognised that loners might as well have a target painted on their back. Despite being very introverted, I went out of my way to be amenable and friendly, that way I made friends and escaped being on the receiving end of much in the way of overt or long-term bullying. Though something of a people-pleaser, I always had a feeling of my own worth, that I should be treated with respect and had definite boundaries concerning what I was and was not prepared to do to fit in. In tis way I escaped the pitfalls of over-agreeableness and pliability.

  • in reply to Martin

    I would definitely agree that agreeableness, amenability and friendliness help and these are traits myself and my daughter share. I think the being targeted bit is the hardest to overcome as it can leave long term damage and greatly impact self esteem. In fact it was this very agreeableness and friendliness that put the target on my daughters back as it’s just not cool to walk around with a smile on your face!! She quickly learnt to scowl and withdraw which was pretty heart breaking to see. I think school can be a bit of a jungle. It’s definitely survival of the fittest, either that or don’t get yourself noticed! 

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  • in reply to Martin

    I would definitely agree that agreeableness, amenability and friendliness help and these are traits myself and my daughter share. I think the being targeted bit is the hardest to overcome as it can leave long term damage and greatly impact self esteem. In fact it was this very agreeableness and friendliness that put the target on my daughters back as it’s just not cool to walk around with a smile on your face!! She quickly learnt to scowl and withdraw which was pretty heart breaking to see. I think school can be a bit of a jungle. It’s definitely survival of the fittest, either that or don’t get yourself noticed! 

Children
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