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Unknown Autism Causes Fallout

AutisticBeaut2025

I have known my best mate for three years now and we work for the same company but on different floors. Our friendship was running smoothly up until May 2024 when things started to change. We were both going through difficult times in our lives and so I suggested that we went to the local spa for some bestie time. I had dropped it in conversation via social media, a number of times, she seemed keen and excited. She even suggested at one point that we go to a different spa other than the original one that I suggested. So when the time came to book our spa day, her behaviour started to change and she didn't seem to respond to me like she usually does. I was getting really anxious and worried at this point.

When she finally got back to me, four days later, she said, that the spa wasn't her priority for now. There was no inkling that she didn't want to go otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it if I had any seen any signs.  I couldn't understand why didn't she tell me straight away, I didn't know what was going on, my mental health and stress levels went downhill. She messaged me on my birthday and I took that opportunity to explain how her behaviour was affecting me, she didn't reply but when we were back at work the following day, I said that our fallout was killing me and that I hated every second, so we made up briefly so I thought that we were ok but when I mentioned the spa to her, she changed the subject again I couldn't work out as to why.

I didn't speak to her for two months, I wrote to her accusing of hiding something from me and of course, due to this she didn't speak to me for four months after I had written a note to her and put it in a Xmas card explaining to her why I had made such accusations, she was fine with me as we spoke briefly, but I could sense that something still wasn't right. 

After Xmas and New Year had passed, I spoke to her to get her to say sorry to me after all the stress she had caused me during 2024 but she refused to apologize to me as she said that she was confused as she hadn't done anything wrong and we then didn't speak from 4th Jan - 20th Nov 2025. We are just about back on good terms again and I can't wait for me and her to back together officially after what has been a very difficult eighteen months or so.

It was from having done a psychology diploma and spoken to a number of people that made me realise that she was somewhere on the spectrum. Bearing in mind that I did have some knowledge of autism but I did turn a blind eye to it not because I'm against it but because I thought that it would change our relationship but it won't, I know that for sure.

She clearly doesn't know as our fallout would have gone a different route if she did know. If she found out then I think she would be upset about it but she would soon realise that "Autism is Beautiful" hence my username. 

What I want to know is if anybody is aware of autism causing fallouts amongst others if it isn't recognized in people's behaviour as I bet it does happen?

Does that make sense? xx

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    This fallout has been more about not wanting to go to spa, it’s how she has responded to me about it.If she had told me straight away or responded to my messages directly then I wouldn’t battered an eyelid. I have been able to pick up and sense that something wasn’t right about her behaviour.Also, knowing her as a person and finding out from other people that I have managed to work out that there is autism there as I have managed to put all the jigsaw pieces together and work it out.When I feel that the time is right and then I will ask her if she wants to go to the local spa,just for a couple of hours then I’m sure she will say yes.xx

  • in reply to AutisticBeaut2025

    I think you have to accept that maybe your friend isn't bothered by what you percieve as her autism and she may be really really offended should you suggest to her that she is.

    Why is a spa day so important to you? To me it seems as though she's trying to let you down gently about having changed her mind about it. There may be all sorts of other reasons why she dosen't want to go, skin probems for example, or just not being into the whole thing. I always think a spa looks nice...for someone else, I don't do saunas, swimming because of the chlorine and facials because of senstitive skin. I'm not trying to make this about me, but trying to give you some alternative ideas about your friends reluctance.

    Have you asked yourself why her not going on a spa day with you is so important for you?

  • in reply to FitMisfit

    Im not, just trying to work out as what is going on as to why she behaved in an unusual way because if she is autistic then I would need to know for the sake of our relationship and I can be more aware of it, should she behave similarly in the future. I can respond in an appropriate way, if you get me?xx

  • I dont know if its your wording but you sound kinda pushy with her and this whole situation. How about just be her friend and dont try to overanalyse her and her behaviour. And maybe dont try and force through how you think she should be acting and who she should be as a friend of yours

  • From my understanding of my situation with my best mate is that she doesn't know that she is autistic. Her behaviour definitely showed autistic traits such as shutdown and failure of back and forth conversation. She probably won't find out unless she is suffering from the traits that she is showing. She wasn't hiding it from me, she was hiding it from herself. 

    Thank you for reading my post as it helps raise awareness and helped me see neurodiversity in a better and brighter light. xx

  • in reply to pietro_21

    I'm not entirely sure what you mean by the above, could you simplify it for me? Many Thanks.xx

  • On a subconcious animal level people definately make judgements and discriminate against each other in group or societal dynamics. This can be observed in children, how they can be so hurtful towards what are minute differences between people and things. The reality is that although we are very different were all share many similar human charateristics, which are over exagerated or amplified by others in order to better their situation. The fact is that neuro diverse people are often put on the back foot having to pander to the whims of NTs whi outnumber us. Its not that they are in any way right its that for so long their prefered ways of doing things have been the benchmarks for normal.  Its such a simple world for people who have to do nothing, or very little in order to earn money (simply because they know the rules of the game or play the bank). 

    I wouldn't even try to explain your situation to them, your own point of view is something intimate, private and of value. So to them its just another thing to use to get around you.Personally I am sick of all these stupid rude, (in some cases evil) people dominating workplaces. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Despite it being a very long fallout over a period of time, it was over something very small and that we were meant to fallout   for our relationship. Hopefully when I tell her this further down the line, she will understand. 

    Thanks for your support. xx

  • If you ask Google for a definition of autism you get:

    "Autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition affecting how a person communicates, interacts, and experiences the world, characterized by variations in social skills, repetitive behaviors, and sensory sensitivities."

    Also:

    "difficulties in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships are a core diagnostic criterion for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in the DSM-5."

    So fallouts are not just recognized, but a normal consequence of mismatched perceptions.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Another close friend of mine suggested that maybe she is unaware that she is masking it. 

    She definitely doesn't know that she is on the spectrum, although I can't tell her, I do want her to find out so she knows that our fallout wasn't for no reason as her behaviour wasn't normal but I will be there for her every step of the way for when she does find out (that is if she does, obviously) 

    Thanks for your support. xx

  • Hey. Yes I understand your post and I think you are right about it causing fall outs as if you're masked and don't know it, you won't even see what is causing you problems, at least I know from experience.

    I tried very hard when I went to university to be more normal. I knew in school I was viewed as weird, so I wanted to cover those things over (not entirely I still kept my interests), and I made friends. One was the girl who stayed opposite me in halls, and along with others from my course, we got a flat the next few years. I won't go on about all of it, but looking back I can the problems and I can see if I'd known and they'd known, things might not have ended the way they did, with me being overloaded and having a meltdown and shouting at everyone -there was a fire door to the kitchen and the sound of it constantly banging at 3am when they came back from the night club drove me mad, especially when I had exams on the next day. (This wasn't all but an example)

    Double empathy problem (if you know your stuff I won't explain). 

    I hope you can fix things with your friend. Maybe if you write it and say you want to understand it might help? You are a lovely person for trying this hard anyway!