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What have I done wrong ?

xiv

I find Xmas hard with the expected socialising and the expectations but have found a way that works. My parents come to me Xmas Eve and leave the day after Boxing Day. It’s hard having them for 3 nights and the run up getting everything ready but it’s better than me going out as it could be busy, I also don’t feel comfortable at my parents. My home is like a safe place.

I know my parents miss out as I don’t have lots of family coming so they don’t get to play games and have the party vibe. My dad isn’t that fussed but I know my mum is. This year a very close friend of one who I thought was close spoke about coming round, I said that was fine and invited another mutual friend. My parents know the other friend but not this close fined really, they have spoken but not like they have with my other friend.

My close friend spoke about the day in the run up, knew what I was buying and even agreed to make a food item, I said it was not needed but she wanted to. In the run up to Xmas I did lots of little things to help this friend out, she didn’t ask for everything I did but did somethings.

i was starting to stress in the run up and she knew as I was not waking up in time and starting to shut down a bit. I purchased more food, extra booze as she is a big drinker and tried to make it perfect for everyone.

a time was agreed and my other friend had asked if I would pick her up which I agreed. This might be where I went wrong but about 2 hours before the agreed time I texted my close friend asking if she wanted a lift too and she didn’t reply. As I set off to pick my other friend up I called her and it just rang. I then noticed the text had been read. She said she would be up in 30mins and said the time. This was 30 Mins after we agreed but not end of the world. She even said who was giving her a lift. 2 hours later she had not come, I called her and it rang out. I messages to say people were hungry and I needed to do the food and asked if she was still coming. No reply. She never came and it ruined the day because I was upset trying to hide I was upset, my parents and other friend were asking question and the day ended quite quick as it was obvious I wasn’t right.

i get people change their mind which I do think is wrong but still I know it happens but what I’m finding hard to deal with is she never texted to say not coming and days later I’ve heard nothing from her. I know she has been out doing the things she had planned the other days so nothing bad has happened to her. I just feel so upset, all the food wasted and time and effort put into it. I have not got out of bed since and am really upset wanting to know what I did wrong.

just to clarify why I’m confused there was no fall out, messages day before we’re all good and even at the time she was due she said she was coming. I will apologise if I know what I’ve done wrong but my other friend said I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m so upset. I know I’m seen as weird because of my autism but I thought this friend was a good friend and wish I knew what I had done wrong 

Any advise appreciated

  • You've not done anything wrong but your friend has. It's perfectly understandable that you are upset, her behaviour has created a storm of confusion for you at an already difficult time.

    Whatever her reasons for not showing up she should have communicated this to you. If for some reason that was impossible on the day, the absolute least she could do is a text after the fact.

    stick with the friend that tried to reassure you that you'd done nothing wrong. she sounds like a keeper. And try to focus on what you need in order to recover from Christmas.

  • in reply to xiv

    If that's the case, I'm afraid the friendship isn't there like you see it. It's painful being a back-up friend who is there when they don't have other plans, I know the feeling all too well. These friendships actually make you lonelier, so you might be better off distancing yourself to feel better. 

    I'm trying not to lapse into ruminating about similar times for myself. Don't be used then, don't invite her again and try strengthen bonds with the one who did show up, as they sound like a lot better person in the long run.

    And if your parents etc are asking, just tell the truth, that they decided they had somewhere better to be, as then they will stop asking and understand your pain. Trying to hide it will only make it worse for you.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    She was out with others which was a spur of the moment thing and she was happy there so just staid out with them. Whilst I would have been upset if she had texted to say that at least I knew where I stood.

    she said I’ll be there in 30 mins then nothing it’s like 4 days now and still nothing. I get this is trivial but it’s ruined Xmas for me and others because I was constantly checking the window all night and my phone. I’ve now got people asking me if I’ve heard and that it’s all really odd.

    whats made it worse is she has beeen out everyday since as well where im at home all upset. So I must be the one in the wrong

  • It might be just be the way I'm reading it, but it's possible she's not in the best way, it's hard to know if someone is going through a difficult time and masking it too. And she might be avoiding you out of her own guilt for not coming -currently you don't know whether it was being lazy and flippent or she was having a real panic attack about it. 

    If you like your friend, maybe just send a message to say you aren't cross, if you can do that. Yes there was wasted food, but until you know the reason for her not making it, putting no pressure and expectations might be the best way to bridge the gap that's opened up.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    No I never posted I don’t reapply post online. But then I ruined it for everyone else as I was not wanting to put food in until she arrived then I was trying to hide how stressed I was. I’m still been asked if I have heard anything which I haven’t 

    I didn’t want people round she was the one who pushed me into it l.

    xmas is too much for me every year. I’ve managed well to not S/H this year but it won’t last. If only you could opt out of Xmas and not be seen as the problem it would make life so much easier.

    I know I’m just a bad person I just don’t understand friendship rules and normally like my own company 

    anyway just ignore me I just wanted to say I not written anything on scrap media for months 

  • in reply to xiv

    How can you have dove something in thosec30 mins?

    You didn't see her or speak to her. You arranged to pick her up. What more is there?

    You didn't beam telepathic waves or anything. Unless you said something on social media.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    She has been good to me in the past. I must have done something in that 30mins.she said she was coming but I not spoke to her updates any socials so can’t work it out.

    Ive got into such a state about it. I just want to be normal 

  • You haven't done anything wrong. Don't chase her.

    I know it will be hard, but actions speak louder than words.

    It up to her to explain not for you to chase. She may not be the friend you thought she was.