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Using a dating app - this mans story

Iain

This series of posts is part blog about my experience of a dating app with part dedicated to my autistic traits and also some advice.

Why and how to choose

After 2 and a half years since my divorce I decided it was enough time on my own and I was ready to get back on the dating scene for the first time in 27 years.
It seems to have changed a bit. 


Back when I was last dating there were no mobile phones of consequence, the internet didn't really exist in a usable form and there was a huge amount of luck involved in finding a partner.


From an autistic perspective there was a lot of comfort in my situation of living alone. I had my film library so never was stuck for something good to watch, I had literally thousands of books on subjects I love to read and all my home comforts were in easy reach. No need to socialise, all the sleep I wanted and a routine I had full control over, but I was still becoming lonely.


I took a practical approach - research which dating app platform has the widest use and has decent ratings, do some research on it and get going.


The largest number of users was on Tinder (I have no affiliation, I'm just a user of the service) so I signed up for this at a cost of around £6/month for the gold membership that lets you see who has "liked" you so it makes finding potential matches much easier.

NOTE the posts will be in reverse order so start from the oldest.

Parents

  • OK, I have a match - what am I gonna do now!

    Once someone replies then it can be difficult, but there is no real time update required, you can take your time to think through a rely. Remember not to make it all about you - ask about them in a non intrusive way (maybe ask why someone as beautiful as them is on a dating app to boost their ego) - the first conversations are normally just a social dance and you will be able to search online on how to do these.

    Some people have been on the app looking for a partner for a while and have encountered lots of the dregs of society in the process so you may get someone who is quite direct in asking if you are looking for a long term partner, what your relationship history is (keep this very generalised) and may seem quite abrupt. Consider their situation and be understanding if you can - I found some people who had some aweful experiences with dates on the app so their trauma is understandable.

    This has been the most challenging aspect for me but after speaking with a dozen or so matches I got more familiar with it, found what mistakes to avoid and was able to have a long chat with a few matches that I liked.

    Now came a stress a close second to the chatting - the actual meeting. Not just meeting one but having multiple first dates with different people to try to see if there is chemistry enough to consider investing more time into the process with that person.

    To get to this stage requires a leap of trust (more on the bad experiences later) - you can give them your contact details - typically WhatsApp or Instagram are good as these offer anything from photo/video exchange to actually speaking to the person - very important if you want to meet them.

    Once you get to this stage then it is just like any other date - a whole different can of worms but at least you are making the human contact now. If you want advice on this then research it online - there are loads of different approaches that you can use and it is worth finding one that works for you.

    Remember to take time to get ready for the date - make sure you shower, use deodourant, brush teeth / floss / use mouthwash and a little cologne or similar - don't overdo it but remember there is only one chance to make a first impression. I would typically ask to be casual on the first date to put us both at ease and go in nice jeans and casual shirt or nice polo shirt.

Reply

  • OK, I have a match - what am I gonna do now!

    Once someone replies then it can be difficult, but there is no real time update required, you can take your time to think through a rely. Remember not to make it all about you - ask about them in a non intrusive way (maybe ask why someone as beautiful as them is on a dating app to boost their ego) - the first conversations are normally just a social dance and you will be able to search online on how to do these.

    Some people have been on the app looking for a partner for a while and have encountered lots of the dregs of society in the process so you may get someone who is quite direct in asking if you are looking for a long term partner, what your relationship history is (keep this very generalised) and may seem quite abrupt. Consider their situation and be understanding if you can - I found some people who had some aweful experiences with dates on the app so their trauma is understandable.

    This has been the most challenging aspect for me but after speaking with a dozen or so matches I got more familiar with it, found what mistakes to avoid and was able to have a long chat with a few matches that I liked.

    Now came a stress a close second to the chatting - the actual meeting. Not just meeting one but having multiple first dates with different people to try to see if there is chemistry enough to consider investing more time into the process with that person.

    To get to this stage requires a leap of trust (more on the bad experiences later) - you can give them your contact details - typically WhatsApp or Instagram are good as these offer anything from photo/video exchange to actually speaking to the person - very important if you want to meet them.

    Once you get to this stage then it is just like any other date - a whole different can of worms but at least you are making the human contact now. If you want advice on this then research it online - there are loads of different approaches that you can use and it is worth finding one that works for you.

    Remember to take time to get ready for the date - make sure you shower, use deodourant, brush teeth / floss / use mouthwash and a little cologne or similar - don't overdo it but remember there is only one chance to make a first impression. I would typically ask to be casual on the first date to put us both at ease and go in nice jeans and casual shirt or nice polo shirt.

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