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Using a dating app - this mans story

Iain

This series of posts is part blog about my experience of a dating app with part dedicated to my autistic traits and also some advice.

Why and how to choose

After 2 and a half years since my divorce I decided it was enough time on my own and I was ready to get back on the dating scene for the first time in 27 years.
It seems to have changed a bit. 


Back when I was last dating there were no mobile phones of consequence, the internet didn't really exist in a usable form and there was a huge amount of luck involved in finding a partner.


From an autistic perspective there was a lot of comfort in my situation of living alone. I had my film library so never was stuck for something good to watch, I had literally thousands of books on subjects I love to read and all my home comforts were in easy reach. No need to socialise, all the sleep I wanted and a routine I had full control over, but I was still becoming lonely.


I took a practical approach - research which dating app platform has the widest use and has decent ratings, do some research on it and get going.


The largest number of users was on Tinder (I have no affiliation, I'm just a user of the service) so I signed up for this at a cost of around £6/month for the gold membership that lets you see who has "liked" you so it makes finding potential matches much easier.

NOTE the posts will be in reverse order so start from the oldest.

Parents

  • How to set up

    The sign up is straightforward with some detail about you to register - I started with the free option to start to familiarise myself with it.

    You can do this either through installing the app on your smartphone or going to the website on whatever device you use for going online.

    You need to choose from some generic categories about your interests - this was a little challenging to reduce  yourself to these but they are used to try to pair you with potential partners via the apps algorythms so choose what is closest to the things which mean most to you. It is not perfect so don't stress.

    You choose how far from home you want the search range to consider and the age group you want to look within. I would say start with as wide a range as you are comfortable with as you familiarise yourself with it.

    Now the more important bit - how to "sell" the image of yourself as a partner.

    A quick note here - the reason to "sell" yourself is that it brings in more potential matches for you and gives you more people to consider for the next step - actually speaking with them. Be honest but only to sell your positive features would be my recommendation - I chose not to disclose my autism as there is a huge amount of bias against mental health in this country (Brazil).

    It turns out you ideally need a load of pictures of yourself for your profile - ones that show you in a range of poses, situations etc and maybe a head shot. I don't have many of these. I was always the one taking pictures of others so I had to get creative - a selfie or two, a picture of me in the mirror dressed up a, I got a personal trainer at the gym to take one of me there and I dug through my archives for a cute one of me as a kid for a laugh.

    Get someone to help you with this and while we are often uncomfortable in front of the camera, get the person to be funny with you and make you laugh as a smile makes so much difference in a picture - looking serious is not likely to help you sell youself.

    As if that wasn't traumatic enough there is a summary of yourself to write, or a Bio as it is commonly reffered to to make it read in a way that will appeal to others.

    I would recommend getting someone who has a little experience in this department to help you here as it is going to be the first impression you make and can be the difference of a "like" or a "pass".

    It was hard to summarise what I am and what I want so I kept it fairly short and serious as I am not looking for hookups but a relationship. It went something like:


    "I am looking for a long term relationship with a partner who is intelligent, curious and with a love of life. I want someone who likes to travel, eat good food, stay fit but who also likes to cuddle up to watch TV, or read a book."


    I disclosed the fact I was divorced around 3 years ago and how long I was married to show I was not afraid of commitment and I had time to process the divorce.

    OK, after what seemed like a lot of hard work the profile was ready and I clicked Submit. Note that you can come back to edit it later and I did this quite a lot to set the tone I wanted.

Reply

  • How to set up

    The sign up is straightforward with some detail about you to register - I started with the free option to start to familiarise myself with it.

    You can do this either through installing the app on your smartphone or going to the website on whatever device you use for going online.

    You need to choose from some generic categories about your interests - this was a little challenging to reduce  yourself to these but they are used to try to pair you with potential partners via the apps algorythms so choose what is closest to the things which mean most to you. It is not perfect so don't stress.

    You choose how far from home you want the search range to consider and the age group you want to look within. I would say start with as wide a range as you are comfortable with as you familiarise yourself with it.

    Now the more important bit - how to "sell" the image of yourself as a partner.

    A quick note here - the reason to "sell" yourself is that it brings in more potential matches for you and gives you more people to consider for the next step - actually speaking with them. Be honest but only to sell your positive features would be my recommendation - I chose not to disclose my autism as there is a huge amount of bias against mental health in this country (Brazil).

    It turns out you ideally need a load of pictures of yourself for your profile - ones that show you in a range of poses, situations etc and maybe a head shot. I don't have many of these. I was always the one taking pictures of others so I had to get creative - a selfie or two, a picture of me in the mirror dressed up a, I got a personal trainer at the gym to take one of me there and I dug through my archives for a cute one of me as a kid for a laugh.

    Get someone to help you with this and while we are often uncomfortable in front of the camera, get the person to be funny with you and make you laugh as a smile makes so much difference in a picture - looking serious is not likely to help you sell youself.

    As if that wasn't traumatic enough there is a summary of yourself to write, or a Bio as it is commonly reffered to to make it read in a way that will appeal to others.

    I would recommend getting someone who has a little experience in this department to help you here as it is going to be the first impression you make and can be the difference of a "like" or a "pass".

    It was hard to summarise what I am and what I want so I kept it fairly short and serious as I am not looking for hookups but a relationship. It went something like:


    "I am looking for a long term relationship with a partner who is intelligent, curious and with a love of life. I want someone who likes to travel, eat good food, stay fit but who also likes to cuddle up to watch TV, or read a book."


    I disclosed the fact I was divorced around 3 years ago and how long I was married to show I was not afraid of commitment and I had time to process the divorce.

    OK, after what seemed like a lot of hard work the profile was ready and I clicked Submit. Note that you can come back to edit it later and I did this quite a lot to set the tone I wanted.

Children
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