Late diagnosis

Hello, yes I can relate to this. Growing up I always felt different to my peers. I struggled to talk in social situations and I never really felt comfortable.

I used to practice my expressions in front of a mirror and I tried to copy my female peers, especially someone who I got closer to, I never fully managed to be like them. I used to say, that I have no personality and I'm less attractive and inferior to others. I also used to say, that I have depression since birth and as a teen I suffered do much from my environment because of being different, I also cried often and told myself, that I've got this life as a punishment for sins from my previous life. Now I don't think this way, but its heartbreaking,  when I look back into my lost youth. im still not diagnosed,  but the better knowledge about autism helps and im surprised how much the criteria describe my struggles, it gives me a possibility of me not being a loser, but autistic or other neurodivergent instead. I filled various tests and they give some insight. Looks like the diagnosis to a child helps them get help in education and development,  but to an adult its more like validation of the traumatic experience from childhood and youth. Now we have much more advanced knowledge in medicine and Access to information.  30-40 years ago if you didn't bang your head off of a wall, you were normal or just a quirky person or loner etc. This is also a reason, why we didn't know, that we are neurodivergent.  It's relatively new.

I was assessed at 53 and up until then I just thought that I was a little different in some ways, I felt that I didn't really fit in.

Was I masking, probably, was it a conscious decision, I don't think it was.

True. At four years of age, you just do what you have to do to stop people giving out to you and correcting you. It is not a conscious choice, it is a learned response. You're not thinking, "Oh, I should really try out some masking." You just do what you have to do.

It misses the point that you don't know you are acting at being NT. You didn't forget. It started so young you've never known anything different.

For me, I always thought I was Neurotypical before I actually got diagnosed with Autism myself back in June. 

Then everything clicked into place and it made sense. I eventually realised that I am Neurodivergent.

There was less awareness of the condition when I was a child so was not even brought up or discussed about by either the Doctor or my Parents back in the late 80's, early 90's.

Also, I admit that I was also afraid of having the Assessment and the GP told me that I would have to wait long to have one. I was on the waiting list for over a year before having the Assessment

Can relate to most of those for sure 

yep