The futile job-hunt continues...

Still stuck in basic entry operative roles as I near 40, I scroll Indeed to submit my pathetic CV to a variety of potential employers. 'Mail sorter' was the latest one. The AI bot gave me the all clear for a human phone call at some undetermined point in time and space, and I just try to remain calm at the prospect of knowing that I'll likely see how long I last before I can't stand it and quit before anyone else gets to experience my meltdowns. It's getting harder and harder to even be taken seriously these days, anyway. I don't drive, scared of operating machinery, my employment history is farcical and now with my mental health crisis it's not looking good at all. I see a disability work coach at the Jobcentre once a month and try to keep on doing a vocational rehabilitation course through the NHS but I can't stand living on benefits. I haven't resigned myself to the fate of not being able to work, but neither have I concluded that there is some kind of role out there for me that will work out to everyone's benefit and stop me from existing at the taxpayer's expense. One day I'll be back on that payroll, paying tax and NI contributions. One day...

mr.chip said:

I just try to remain calm at the prospect of knowing that I'll likely see how long I last before I can't stand it and quit before anyone else gets to experience my meltdowns.

From my time hiring staff we were trained that candidates with a list of recent short term positions are a high risk.

Why are they unable to hold down a job? It is a red flag that gets you immediately put into the "only if there isn't a better candidate pile" for interviews and these are rarely called in to actually interview.

I get it that there are all sorts of reasons why this may be the case but when you are getting hundreds of applications for a role then this is just using probability to help sift the pile to the best oprions.

The one thing I would recommend if you can afford it is to get a therapist to help with the anxiety build ups that are leading to your meltdowns. There are a range of tools at your disposal that you can learn and use to keep stress levels low enough to survive.

My opinion is that the workplace is not likely to change so if we want to survive in it, we need to learn to cope better. It sucks, but it is a survival technique.

How about going self employed? Are there any roles you could do that would work for you?

Thanks Iain. I appreciate your input and, yes, that sounds like a valid point with regard to the unliklihood of me being taken seriously, especially the older I get and the more embarrassing it must be to sift through applications like mine which are 'high risk', as you say. I persevere with the market as I can. I was cleaning the toilets a few months ago, all very conscious that a few months before that I was huddled in a toilet, 'mind-paralysed' in a catatonic-like state of nervous breakdown in my psychiatric hospital cell. I find it very hard to move on and I'm very alert to the signs that this just isn't going to work out beyond a few days of torture, while I try vainly to prove to myself that I can do this. 

My brain has corroded too much over the years (not through substances but through sheer self-torturing anxiety and depression) for me to 'step out of the box' of PAYE good employee performance monkey and aspire to anything like self-employment. My ex now works from home, which seems to alleviate her anxiety to an encouraging extent, bug for me I need to be around people, whilst paradoxically feeling so alienated from others. 

My meltdowns are very well contained. I see myself descending in my mind into a toddler-like state of pure panic and hysteria but I never express it, though my impulsivity is scary and I sometimes manage to stop the predicted outburst only just before it's too late. It feels like being taken over. 

Therapy is what I was expecting as a diagnostic pathway for the personality disorder that I was given in hospital, but it seems that the mental health services would rather I had the autism assessment checked until - and even then it's debatable - any kind of therapy is forthcoming. But, yes, I certainly feel like I've been traumatised enough to benefit from some kind of therapy - though 'talking therapy' has been ruled out for me because I am deemed to be 'too complex'. Go figure.

Thank you

Thank you