Teenager Son.... very challenging.. trying to work and general day to day stress!!

Hi Fergie,

 Firstly, let me say you are not alone. I have two boys on the spectrum and both present completely differently. One internalizes his anguish and makes himself ill, the other displays very challenging and sometimes agressive behaviour, complete with the colourful language. Sadly, the language issue has become so frequent now that he doesn't realize he's doing it. I find this deeply annoying.

I can certainly empathisize with the time frame. My son also amplified his behaviour in his teens. The senario of great grades at School and terrible behaviour at home is one I hear a lot and one that my own children experience. Schools often report no issues in class and yet it's the polar oposite at home. For my own children this has increased as they have moved up the academic ladder and the demands on them have increased. It appears to be a safety valve really, letting off steam from prolonged periods of having to conform, concentrate and learn. 

For my lad with the challenging behavior, this has only really had the volume turned down since he left education. It still presents, but just at a more managable level. When i say manageable, it's very much subjective really.

I'm no expert, but the drumming and rocking sounds like sensory overload to me. Does he have an MP3 or something similar. I know this sounds odd, but if he has some headphones and puts on some music or a science documentory that he can listen to to drown out his overload, this might help. Using noise to drown out other sensory sensitivities is not always the obvious choice for parents, but the Stimming issue is very common to those on the Spectrum. Do encourage him to use headphones though, or the whole family will be subjected to listening. Some adults and children keep the TV going or music playing at night also to drown out the silence otherwise they hear every creek and movement in the house. They use one noise to drown out their over senitivity to other sounds.

One of my lads also has an extremely acute sense of smell and taste. He could pick out his own School jumper amongst a whole pile, not by reading the label, but by picking each one up in turn and sniffing them. More alarmingly he could locate all his fellow students also. Much like above, can I suggest that you give him a sensory input to distract his behavior. You have to be quite careful in that if you don't give him the alternative after he's sniffed you. He may view this as a positive reinforcement and he may sniff you more in order to be handed the alternative.

On the suggestion of a parent on this forum, we've found Mohdoh. This is not only tactile for those that like to squeeze things, but it also smells. The variations include lavender and all sorts of other calming scents. This could be a good substitute, for what i'm sure is a perfectly lovely bum. :) (Link below) All joking aside, I can see how this would distress you, but its a common trait for some; but not all, on the spectrum

http://www.mohdoh.co.uk/

Lastly, this issue of work is a very personal one. I work from home and chose my work to fit around the care of my boys. This is a double edged sword or course, as money is often tight. In this last academic year I think i would have lost the plot completely if I'd had to work full-time for an employer and manage my boys transition difficulties into Further Education. I've found that few employers have the patience or inclination to accommodate a parent that has to run off every five minutes to a teenager whose vomiting and imobilized with crippling migraines. You may have a completely different experience of course and your key demands for care sound like they centre on the evenings, which must be exhausting following a stressful job during the day.

If you yourself work full time, I take my hat off to you! Persoanlly, i couldn't manage it and my own health problems are such that excessive stress; above what i have to manage with my boys, pushes me over the edge.

The best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself. You will worry about your son whether you are working or not, but don't let your own health suffer. Make sure you and your husband get 'quality time-out' together and consider also that becoming a full-time carer for your son can be incredably isolating. Balance is key. You know whats right for you and your family.

I'm sorry I cannot be of more help and i hope some of these modest suggestions help in some way.

Kinds Regards

Coogybear XX

Hi Fergie,

 Firstly, let me say you are not alone. I have two boys on the spectrum and both present completely differently. One internalizes his anguish and makes himself ill, the other displays very challenging and sometimes agressive behaviour, complete with the colourful language. Sadly, the language issue has become so frequent now that he doesn't realize he's doing it. I find this deeply annoying.

I can certainly empathisize with the time frame. My son also amplified his behaviour in his teens. The senario of great grades at School and terrible behaviour at home is one I hear a lot and one that my own children experience. Schools often report no issues in class and yet it's the polar oposite at home. For my own children this has increased as they have moved up the academic ladder and the demands on them have increased. It appears to be a safety valve really, letting off steam from prolonged periods of having to conform, concentrate and learn. 

For my lad with the challenging behavior, this has only really had the volume turned down since he left education. It still presents, but just at a more managable level. When i say manageable, it's very much subjective really.

I'm no expert, but the drumming and rocking sounds like sensory overload to me. Does he have an MP3 or something similar. I know this sounds odd, but if he has some headphones and puts on some music or a science documentory that he can listen to to drown out his overload, this might help. Using noise to drown out other sensory sensitivities is not always the obvious choice for parents, but the Stimming issue is very common to those on the Spectrum. Do encourage him to use headphones though, or the whole family will be subjected to listening. Some adults and children keep the TV going or music playing at night also to drown out the silence otherwise they hear every creek and movement in the house. They use one noise to drown out their over senitivity to other sounds.

One of my lads also has an extremely acute sense of smell and taste. He could pick out his own School jumper amongst a whole pile, not by reading the label, but by picking each one up in turn and sniffing them. More alarmingly he could locate all his fellow students also. Much like above, can I suggest that you give him a sensory input to distract his behavior. You have to be quite careful in that if you don't give him the alternative after he's sniffed you. He may view this as a positive reinforcement and he may sniff you more in order to be handed the alternative.

On the suggestion of a parent on this forum, we've found Mohdoh. This is not only tactile for those that like to squeeze things, but it also smells. The variations include lavender and all sorts of other calming scents. This could be a good substitute, for what i'm sure is a perfectly lovely bum. :) (Link below) All joking aside, I can see how this would distress you, but its a common trait for some; but not all, on the spectrum

http://www.mohdoh.co.uk/

Lastly, this issue of work is a very personal one. I work from home and chose my work to fit around the care of my boys. This is a double edged sword or course, as money is often tight. In this last academic year I think i would have lost the plot completely if I'd had to work full-time for an employer and manage my boys transition difficulties into Further Education. I've found that few employers have the patience or inclination to accommodate a parent that has to run off every five minutes to a teenager whose vomiting and imobilized with crippling migraines. You may have a completely different experience of course and your key demands for care sound like they centre on the evenings, which must be exhausting following a stressful job during the day.

If you yourself work full time, I take my hat off to you! Persoanlly, i couldn't manage it and my own health problems are such that excessive stress; above what i have to manage with my boys, pushes me over the edge.

The best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself. You will worry about your son whether you are working or not, but don't let your own health suffer. Make sure you and your husband get 'quality time-out' together and consider also that becoming a full-time carer for your son can be incredably isolating. Balance is key. You know whats right for you and your family.

I'm sorry I cannot be of more help and i hope some of these modest suggestions help in some way.

Kinds Regards

Coogybear XX