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How do you experience grief of a loved one as an autistic person?

AlpineS

Yesterday was a bad day. Father’s day is always a trigger for me because my dad is dead. He died 10 years ago but it still doesn't feel like I've processed it. 

On days like yesterday I don’t just feel sad I feel 'more' autistic. I can’t talk to people. Everything irritates me and my anger becomes harder to control. I can only manage safe foods if anything at all and things like showering or cleaning just stop happening. 

Autism affects how we experience everything so it makes sense that it changes how we deal with death too. I’ve just never thought about grief specifically through the lens of autism until recently.

A friend of mine (who is also autistic) said they find grief a bit easier than others seem to because they're able to approach it more logically. I just thought it was an interesting contrast to my experience. 

I guess I'm just curious as to how other people here process or experience grief and how you think being autistic interacts with that? Does it make your experience harder? Easier? More isolating? Do you notice ways that grief affects you that may not be usual for neurotypical people? Or maybe neurotype doesn't come in to it at all and grief is just deeply personal and unique for every individual. 

Grief just feels like such a lonely thing for me and I don't really talk about it with most people. Maybe it's part of masking and as I get better an unmasking I'll get better at talking about it with neurotypical people. It just seems like one of those topics that's avoided by most and so I avoid it too. Maybe that's a societal thing. I don't know. Do people here also have that level of discomfort talking about grief or do you see it as just part of life? I thought it might help to hear how it looks for other autistic people.

Parents

  • I can relate to some of what you say about your grief.

    AlpineS said:
    On days like yesterday I don’t just feel sad I feel 'more' autistic. I can’t talk to people. Everything irritates me and my anger becomes harder to control. I can only manage safe foods if anything at all and things like showering or cleaning just stop happening. 

    I feel similar to you in that cleaning, cooking, gardening and engaging with people just stops, and people can irritate me when grief is taking over. I suspect many of us might feel the same way.

    I don’t know how to compare how autistic people and non autistic people experience grief. When my mother and my friend died, it was as if I couldn’t process the grief and I didn’t feel much emotion until days later, and then I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t talk to anybody about how I was feeling. I think some non autistic people can feel grief in a similar way.

    I tend to feel more grief at the time when a dog dies than when a human dies. Perhaps it’s because when a dog might be ill or in pain prior to death, it is hard to make a decision over their quality of life, then guilt gets mixed in with grief. Unfortunately that is what is happening right now because my beloved dog isn’t having a good quality of life the whole day, every day and the time has come to have a conversation with the vet.

    AlpineS said:
    Grief just feels like such a lonely thing for me and I don't really talk about it with most people.

    I think that even if people are around, the very nature of grief can make it a lonely thing, because it is your grief or my grief or somebody else’s grief; all different types of grief that have come about through different relationships and dynamics. There is no right way to grieve and society can put pressure on us to act and to grieve in a particular way. Thankfully these days it is acceptable to grieve in many different ways and that includes being alone and/or having deep conversations about how you feel.

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  • I can relate to some of what you say about your grief.

    AlpineS said:
    On days like yesterday I don’t just feel sad I feel 'more' autistic. I can’t talk to people. Everything irritates me and my anger becomes harder to control. I can only manage safe foods if anything at all and things like showering or cleaning just stop happening. 

    I feel similar to you in that cleaning, cooking, gardening and engaging with people just stops, and people can irritate me when grief is taking over. I suspect many of us might feel the same way.

    I don’t know how to compare how autistic people and non autistic people experience grief. When my mother and my friend died, it was as if I couldn’t process the grief and I didn’t feel much emotion until days later, and then I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t talk to anybody about how I was feeling. I think some non autistic people can feel grief in a similar way.

    I tend to feel more grief at the time when a dog dies than when a human dies. Perhaps it’s because when a dog might be ill or in pain prior to death, it is hard to make a decision over their quality of life, then guilt gets mixed in with grief. Unfortunately that is what is happening right now because my beloved dog isn’t having a good quality of life the whole day, every day and the time has come to have a conversation with the vet.

    AlpineS said:
    Grief just feels like such a lonely thing for me and I don't really talk about it with most people.

    I think that even if people are around, the very nature of grief can make it a lonely thing, because it is your grief or my grief or somebody else’s grief; all different types of grief that have come about through different relationships and dynamics. There is no right way to grieve and society can put pressure on us to act and to grieve in a particular way. Thankfully these days it is acceptable to grieve in many different ways and that includes being alone and/or having deep conversations about how you feel.

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