Yesterday, we went to a wildlife park. Joel (adhd, asd, etc) has a new obsession, taking photos of animals. He was so focussed on this that he was totally unaware of anyone else around him! And the animals also included any pet dog on a lead! Sometimes you feel so alone and isolated. Not to mention, embarrassed! I want to shout at people who don't understand. Tell me how you all cope?
Hi Shabunkin
I have long since stopped flogging myself over the reactions of other people. Some will be kind and understanding, some will be cross and closed minded. That is more to do with them and not your child or you. You can't control people's reactions but you can protect yourself by controlling your own reactions. I always apologise and carry some little cards that I have written that explain about our grandson's condition. You can put as much or as little on them as you feel comfortable with. After a brief recounting of the facts my cards say that he is learning to cope with a world that he finds confusing and sometimes frightening and sometimes he gets things wrong. Then the card ends with 'please be patient'. They will either accept it or they won't. Usually people just read the first few lines and apologise if they have been angry.if they don't at least I know that I have done the right thing by trying to educate our grandson on what he should do instead of hitting and explained the situation to the parent with an apology. Then what I never do is to take the embarrassment home with me. I don't want my grandson to start worrying about being near others. So we move on. At the end of the day...remember that neuro typical children hit and kick each other as well! I wish you the best of luck.
SPD is often an integral part of ASC anyway, and ADHD is a frequent co-morbid, so he could be all 3.
Apologies Blossom, I Did mean to start a new thread on here, still getting to grips with the forum. Thanks for the suggestion Intenseworld. I havent heard of these. I will investigate. I do try to find stories with morals, and point them out. His dad and I, and his teachers are trying to impact on his behaviour with positive re-enforcement, tho I find it quite hard sometimes. I was glad to hear that Blossom has found a way to deal with everyday incidents. I do struggle with what to do, and what to say/not to when incidents happen with my son. Decided to start on here to get helpful tips. Its also quite difficult knowing what approach to take as there is indicision as to whether my son is ADHD, ASD, SPD etc. I feel a little bit lost and frustrated.
Are you using PECS social stories with him?
It's very difficult to have to approach other parents and apologise, especially as many will likely not have much sympathy for the reason and you could end up in arguments with them because there is a lot of prejudice and ignorance out there and they will still likely blame you for not controlling your child.
The safest option is to work hard on educating him that it's not OK to hit. I have Asperger's and both my children are on the autistic spectrum too, they have never hit anyone and only on the rarest occasion tapped each other in arguments. I had to use PECS social stories about running off and asking too many questions for my youngest and they worked well.
I currently have no diagnosis for my son, who is six, and has struggled socially since nursery. He is currently being investigated by CAMHS and has had an intervention team working with him for a time but not currently. He is a big boy and very strong, impulsive, and not afraid to hit out should he feel the need. I sent him to a sports club over the holidays and after just over 2 days he was asked to leave and I had to take time off work to care for him. Apparently he hit two seperate children on two different days and the club no longer wanted to have him there. I have worried my self silly wondering whether to contact the parents or not, to apologize for his behaviour. One of the children he hit goes to his school and I am dreading a confrontation at the school gates as I dont really know what I would say. Does anyone have any easy replies that neither antagonise or divulgetoo much information.
Thanks in anticipation
Of course we educate our grandson on why its wrong to do and say these things. We educated our own children that way and we take extra efforts always to make sure our grandson understands. The point I was making was that, in the end, we have had to create our own coping mechanisms to survive other people's snap judgements about our family. I cant anymore allow somebody's harsh words to us and our grandson to deeply upset and embarrass us. We have to cope with each day and each situation as it comes up and then get on with life.
We have grown to laugh at the reaction of other people over the years and its the only way to protect ourselves. If our grandson says or does something innapropriate or melts down in public there are always 'good citizens' on hand to put us right with 'that child needs a slap...or you shouldn't have left it so late to instill discipline in the child'. When we explain our grandson's condition to people we often get 'That's still no excuse for bad manners'. The level ignorance out there is still breathtakingly high. When your child has walloped a perfectly unsuspecting little boy or girl in a playground for simply insisiting that they get their turn on the slide..what else can you do other than apologize and move on.
Our grandson told an elderly man that he was old and wrinkly once. Even though his one to one apologized and explained a vehement complaint was still sent to the headmaster at his school.
We apologize and then go home and have a good laugh at it.
Why embarrassed? That sounds just brilliant. And people do like their dogs appreciated, even though some of them don't seem to understand why I fuss around their dogs rather than them. Dogs are so much easier to talk to.
If his obsession is one that will last (I know that isn't necessarily likely) if he can become good at photographing animals, even pets, that's a good talent, and usable. People will pay good money for tasteful pet photos. And good wildlife photographers are clearly in demand on the telly.
