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Just getting it off my chest…

Emmalephant

I apologise in advance for the complaining and it’s totally fine if there are no replies, you don’t even have to read that, but I made a vow to never torture myself again by keeping everything to myself. The people here have been nothing but nice, thus I’d like to write something here.

I’m two days back into school and since it is my final year, there is much pressure on me. Last week I got my first reply to one of the applications I sent out (my plan is to be a trainee first and then study to have some kind of base beforehand) and it was a letter of rejection. That devastated me. I knew from the start that it is going to be easy to find a place in this specific field because most of the jobs are given away internally. Still, it scares me.

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what the future holds and that’s beyond terrifying. Additionally, I’m so exhausted by literally everything. Even leaving my bed in the morning feels unbearable but I go on nonetheless. I was never a fan of my birthday, but this year… I feel no excitement (positive or negative) whatsoever. Many activities I usually enjoy are just adding to the exhaustion right now, my body image is currently pretty bad and the sensory side of things is awful. I like to describe bad sensory days as “overdriven” and currently basically every day is “overdriven”, although nobody around me fully gets that. The answers of my parents are “stop crying”/“suck it up” and my friends are probably kind of annoyed by me. I can’t help it. Usually, I put on a brave face and continue to play the funny one of the group but I just can’t at the moment. 
Everything is loud, too colourful, chaotic and completely overwhelming. That happened once before and I fear that I might not be able to recover this time around. There’s just too much to do. In my current state though… I can please nobody. No matter what I do, someone’s always not satisfied with my performance, be it at school, at home, at the Red Cross etc.

To top everything off, I am not diagnosed. Everybody (including myself) is thinking and/or saying something along the lines of “there’s no reason for all of that”. Well, I might or might not be autistic. Either way, I am sure that what I’m feeling right now is not normal exhaustion, that’s something bigger (whatever that may be). And not even my enorm imposter syndrome can deny that completely.

The last time, I didn’t recognise the signs until far too late. Now I know what to look out for. That’s not solving anything but it’s a start. I feel stupid for writing and posting this but honestly? This forum is currently my lifeline. Thanks for being there.

Parents

  • Hi and sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It does sound a lot like burnout, so make sure you have time to relax and do something you enjoy every day, to help replenish your energy levels, and try to get plenty of sleep. You say there is too much to do, but you need to prioritise what is most important and what can be left to later, and taking care of yourself is the most important thing so put it at the top of the list.

    Regarding the job rejection, I see you say in your reply to Iain that it was a trainee paramedic position to give you relevant experience to decide whether you want to study medicine. But maybe the recruiters want someone who is going to stay in that job long term, rather than training a candidate who leaves after a short period of time. Don't take it personally - they have to weigh up lots of variables and there were probably lots of applicants.

    I believe that you live in Germany and you volunteer with the Red Cross? In the UK I believe there is more demand for Healthcare Assistants in hospitals than paramedics, so if you also have Health Care Assistants in German hospitals that might be something to think about doing temporarily - it would give you experience of working with patients in a hospital setting, your Red Cross experience may help you get this type of work, and you may be able to continue doing part time /occasional shifts once you commence your studies in medicine or biochemistry. You could try contacting a local hospital's human resources department for advice on what temporary patient facing roles you could apply for.

    I wish you luck and hope you feel better soon.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Yes, those are definitely options I’ve thought about. It’s just hard to realise that for the first time, my future is in completely different hands. Thank you so much for reminding me of the many open paths and the reassurance! 

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