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Just getting it off my chest…

Emmalephant

I apologise in advance for the complaining and it’s totally fine if there are no replies, you don’t even have to read that, but I made a vow to never torture myself again by keeping everything to myself. The people here have been nothing but nice, thus I’d like to write something here.

I’m two days back into school and since it is my final year, there is much pressure on me. Last week I got my first reply to one of the applications I sent out (my plan is to be a trainee first and then study to have some kind of base beforehand) and it was a letter of rejection. That devastated me. I knew from the start that it is going to be easy to find a place in this specific field because most of the jobs are given away internally. Still, it scares me.

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what the future holds and that’s beyond terrifying. Additionally, I’m so exhausted by literally everything. Even leaving my bed in the morning feels unbearable but I go on nonetheless. I was never a fan of my birthday, but this year… I feel no excitement (positive or negative) whatsoever. Many activities I usually enjoy are just adding to the exhaustion right now, my body image is currently pretty bad and the sensory side of things is awful. I like to describe bad sensory days as “overdriven” and currently basically every day is “overdriven”, although nobody around me fully gets that. The answers of my parents are “stop crying”/“suck it up” and my friends are probably kind of annoyed by me. I can’t help it. Usually, I put on a brave face and continue to play the funny one of the group but I just can’t at the moment. 
Everything is loud, too colourful, chaotic and completely overwhelming. That happened once before and I fear that I might not be able to recover this time around. There’s just too much to do. In my current state though… I can please nobody. No matter what I do, someone’s always not satisfied with my performance, be it at school, at home, at the Red Cross etc.

To top everything off, I am not diagnosed. Everybody (including myself) is thinking and/or saying something along the lines of “there’s no reason for all of that”. Well, I might or might not be autistic. Either way, I am sure that what I’m feeling right now is not normal exhaustion, that’s something bigger (whatever that may be). And not even my enorm imposter syndrome can deny that completely.

The last time, I didn’t recognise the signs until far too late. Now I know what to look out for. That’s not solving anything but it’s a start. I feel stupid for writing and posting this but honestly? This forum is currently my lifeline. Thanks for being there.

Parents

  • Hey, I hope by writing about how you’re feeling helps to lift some off the stress off you. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and it’s clear you’re going through a lot right now. You’re definitely not complaining, your expressing how you feel, and I’m really glad you feel safe enough to post here. 

    From what you’ve described, as everyone else has rightly said, it sounds a lot like autistic burnout. And please don’t feel anything is invalidated because you haven’t got an official diagnosis. Your experiences and feelings are real… you don’t need a piece of paper to validate what you’re going through.. Burnout can happen when we’ve been under intense pressure for too long, physically, mentally, emotionally, and sensory wise. It’s not just exhaustion; it’s a deeper kind of overwhelm that makes even basic things like getting out of bed feel unbearable. The “overdriven” sensory days and the exhaustion you’re feeling are classic signs. It’s impossible to “please everyone” or perform to the level you normally would when in burn out. That doesn’t make you a failure or that you won’t be able to recover this time round; it just means you need rest and compassion, not more pressure. I’m sorry that your parents have been dismissive towards you.

    Rejection, especially when it’s tied to your future, is so tough to cope with. It’s okay to feel devastated about it. The fact that you’ve put yourself out there, even knowing how challenging it might be, is a testament to your strengths. The uncertainty about the future can be terrifying! Try to remain focused on the here and now.

    It’s okay to slow down and do only what’s manageable at the moment. You don’t have to figure everything out all at once. Just take small steps. Remember you’re not alone in this. Many of us here understand what you’re going through, and will offer you their own advice or reassurance. You’re doing incredibly well to keep going, even when it feels impossible. Please be kind to yourself, even if others around you aren’t offering the understanding you need right now. 

    Sending you lots of encouragement.

Reply

  • Hey, I hope by writing about how you’re feeling helps to lift some off the stress off you. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and it’s clear you’re going through a lot right now. You’re definitely not complaining, your expressing how you feel, and I’m really glad you feel safe enough to post here. 

    From what you’ve described, as everyone else has rightly said, it sounds a lot like autistic burnout. And please don’t feel anything is invalidated because you haven’t got an official diagnosis. Your experiences and feelings are real… you don’t need a piece of paper to validate what you’re going through.. Burnout can happen when we’ve been under intense pressure for too long, physically, mentally, emotionally, and sensory wise. It’s not just exhaustion; it’s a deeper kind of overwhelm that makes even basic things like getting out of bed feel unbearable. The “overdriven” sensory days and the exhaustion you’re feeling are classic signs. It’s impossible to “please everyone” or perform to the level you normally would when in burn out. That doesn’t make you a failure or that you won’t be able to recover this time round; it just means you need rest and compassion, not more pressure. I’m sorry that your parents have been dismissive towards you.

    Rejection, especially when it’s tied to your future, is so tough to cope with. It’s okay to feel devastated about it. The fact that you’ve put yourself out there, even knowing how challenging it might be, is a testament to your strengths. The uncertainty about the future can be terrifying! Try to remain focused on the here and now.

    It’s okay to slow down and do only what’s manageable at the moment. You don’t have to figure everything out all at once. Just take small steps. Remember you’re not alone in this. Many of us here understand what you’re going through, and will offer you their own advice or reassurance. You’re doing incredibly well to keep going, even when it feels impossible. Please be kind to yourself, even if others around you aren’t offering the understanding you need right now. 

    Sending you lots of encouragement.

Children
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