I apologise in advance for the complaining and it’s totally fine if there are no replies, you don’t even have to read that, but I made a vow to never torture myself again by keeping everything to myself. The people here have been nothing but nice, thus I’d like to write something here.
I’m two days back into school and since it is my final year, there is much pressure on me. Last week I got my first reply to one of the applications I sent out (my plan is to be a trainee first and then study to have some kind of base beforehand) and it was a letter of rejection. That devastated me. I knew from the start that it is going to be easy to find a place in this specific field because most of the jobs are given away internally. Still, it scares me.
For the first time in my life, I don’t know what the future holds and that’s beyond terrifying. Additionally, I’m so exhausted by literally everything. Even leaving my bed in the morning feels unbearable but I go on nonetheless. I was never a fan of my birthday, but this year… I feel no excitement (positive or negative) whatsoever. Many activities I usually enjoy are just adding to the exhaustion right now, my body image is currently pretty bad and the sensory side of things is awful. I like to describe bad sensory days as “overdriven” and currently basically every day is “overdriven”, although nobody around me fully gets that. The answers of my parents are “stop crying”/“suck it up” and my friends are probably kind of annoyed by me. I can’t help it. Usually, I put on a brave face and continue to play the funny one of the group but I just can’t at the moment.
Everything is loud, too colourful, chaotic and completely overwhelming. That happened once before and I fear that I might not be able to recover this time around. There’s just too much to do. In my current state though… I can please nobody. No matter what I do, someone’s always not satisfied with my performance, be it at school, at home, at the Red Cross etc.
To top everything off, I am not diagnosed. Everybody (including myself) is thinking and/or saying something along the lines of “there’s no reason for all of that”. Well, I might or might not be autistic. Either way, I am sure that what I’m feeling right now is not normal exhaustion, that’s something bigger (whatever that may be). And not even my enorm imposter syndrome can deny that completely.
The last time, I didn’t recognise the signs until far too late. Now I know what to look out for. That’s not solving anything but it’s a start. I feel stupid for writing and posting this but honestly? This forum is currently my lifeline. Thanks for being there.
