when i was told by my GP that i was being sent for an assessment, i began to look back on some odd things that i did as a kid, in the eighties and i was wondering if anyone could share their experiences, no matter how bizarre.
i think it is related to my inability to maintain any kind of friendship/relationship. in the past, i have had opportunities to pursue relationships, with women who i considered to be beautiful, stylish, kind and compassionate. but after a few months, one of two things happens. either i start pulling away from them, as i find it all a bit draining and make excuses for not going out, or they seem to lose interest. its almost as if they can see through my 'shield' .
intimacy is another problem. when sleeping together, its hit and miss. normally you would put this down to commitment issues and 'stage fright'. I've always struggled to understand why this happens. its like a sort of emotional/societal overload. for the longest time, i buried my head in the sand, always saying it wont happen next time, but it always does. they say no man is an island, but i seem to be the exception. its like knowing the words, but not knowing the sentence structure. you sort of muddle through.
my mum, cajoled me into joining clubs and cubs. i would rather have stayed at home and played with my Lego at the time, but I'm glad she made me go. i went to a cub camp and all i remember is the anxiety, and i couldn't wait until i got to go home. to this day i do not know why i did this, but i bought one of my carefully wrapped poos back in my rucksack. needless to say that the car reeked of it after a while.
i went through a stage of eating only fry ups when i was young. my mum loved cottage pie, unfortunately i didn't like onions, or cottage pie. so i would methodically pick the onions out. then i would collect the cottage pie in my mouth, like a hamster. ask to go to the toilet, and then put the mouthful in my trunk of Lego. after a few months, the smell of rotting mincemeat could be smelt throughout the house. why i didn't, flush the food (or the poo for that matter, ha ha) down the toilet is beyond me. again, it was like i panicked and flapped at a pressure situation.
i have only ever told one other person this in my entire life. i am starting to look at my childhood in a different light. perfectionism was my coping mechanism. making Airfix models (that were never good enough). i'm still trying to be perfect, as i like my house to be very tidy.
anyway, happy new year to you all. its nice to talk about all this stuff. be safe
