Autistic 'lightbulb moments'

There are many moments (even though I‘m not officially diagnosed)… One that simultaneously makes me want to vanish on the spot when thinking back, is when we were practicing a kind of musical theatre in kindergarten. I learned every text passage of the song and when some kid sang, I waited till the end and then raised my hand to say that they made a mistake with the text. It was like really minor, but it was important to me. My kindergarten-teacher then said something along the lines of: “Well, since you know everything, you should do the whole song for us alone in the middle.”

It was years later when I realised that this was supposed to be a punishment.

I can also relate to the hair thing… I hated going to the hairdresser, but it was my hair in general. I remember having a massive meltdown while staying at my grandmas place because she couldn’t do my hair the exact way it had to be.

Thanks for this kind reply, Debbie. 

Rudin said:

Imagine being Italian/in Italy. Zero awareness of adult autism, and you're supposed to be sociable/outgoing/the life and soul of the party. I just say no, and I get branded 'the strange one'.

Welcome to the forum Rudin 

I read you bio and I just wanted you to be aware that there are faults with this forum at the moment and new people don't always stick around.

I hope that you do but if strange things start happening when posting, you may be put off:

 List of what is currently wrong with the forum 

It's best to be aware so that if something occurs like a 'warning', you don't take it personally.

It's mainly a faulty spam filter I think.

I hope you enjoy being here.

There are quite a few active later diagnosed/self recognised members.

And me

Imagine being Italian/in Italy. Zero awareness of adult autism, and you're supposed to be sociable/outgoing/the life and soul of the party. I just say no, and I get branded 'the strange one'.

Rehearsing what to say is something I do all the time, particularly if I have to make a phone call (my least favourite form of communicating). I can't keep up with people though, so it just seems like I'm the quiet one in a group but I'm actually trying to listen to everyone at once and think what to say next, plus remember things like my body language and to say the right thing - how other people manage all this instinctively I just don't understand.

I suppose what I learned is that a lot of myself is hidden away now that I understand what masking means.

Something else I've spotted recently at work. Since I use MS Teams for video calls, it has started making the video of myself more prominent, meaning I can see a lot more of my own face. I've had the odd comment in the past about how I don't express a lot, and seeing it more often really distracts and annoys me.

Mr T said:

Also the noise of a large group of people just talking and chattering. Makes my head want to burst.

With you there Mr T 

 Lotus . The rehearsing what to say is interesting. The person I'm talking to just thinks I'm not paying attention, but really I'm busy rehearsing what to say.

Thanks for the link  . Hairdressers. I too detested going when I was a kid, but never knew why. I went a decade shaving my head so I could do it on.my own (haha). I'm 52 and still find goingba bit awkward.

I have a problem with crowded, confined places. My brain tends to want to listen to ALL conversations. It all builds up to a crescendo of chatter, which hits me like a wave.

I had zero understanding as a kid about what's appropriate to say in a given situation so being the history nerd I was (and still am) brought up the fact that 6 million jews were killed in the holocaust in WW2 to a jewish person and didn't understand why that was inappropriate till after my mum told me to never do that agin as a result I was known for being blunt. 

also wasn't;t rly self-conscious about my body (teen girl) or fussed about make-up/fashion till year 9/10 and the autism is 100% behind that. 

I had it much stronger as a child, I also miss that colorful world. But I still experience it to some degree. I’m wondering if someone can have synesthesia, alexithymia, sensitivities, be clumsy and awkward but not be autistic. (Not only allistic, just neurotypical)

Synthesia, like you describe, is known to be associated with Autism. I had it when I was a kid, but lost it as I got older. It is one of the things that I envy. I miss seeing the days as colours.

I repeat random words in my head, often what I see it repeats in my head. Also things that I learned. Funny thing one of the words I used to repeat for very long time was Asperger. I saw some documentary about a man diagnosed with Asperger and that he was a math genius, and the word Asperger sounds so pleasant to me that it started repeating in my head. I also like sound of words such as sine, cosine (taste like vanilla), diameter, radius. Whole math tastes like fresh water so do these words. There were also words from geography such as stalactite and stalagmite, barhan or parabolic dune, riverbed. 

I always liked learning the names of things, like the proper names or the Latin names of plants. I repeated them over to myself just because I like the sound of them, and the knowing of them, or if I'm feeling anxious they are like a charm or spell that calms me down. I was telling myself the names of trees in my old workplace last night when I was walking to a dinner at restaurant that I had been invited to: "Cupressus macrocarpa, the Monterey cypress. Larix decidua, the European Larch. Alnus glutinosa, the black alder." 

For me it’s groups of people, this always made me feel anxious and highly self aware. I  have always had problems with multiple noises which bothers me still and sends me scurrying off somewhere quiet. 

There are many and discovering more and more as I go along but those are two big ones for me. 

Great thread Debbie 

I’ve been weighing up whether to go this year but you just reminded me about last year - I did not enjoy it all. Shame there isn’t something more appropriate for us.

community.autism.org.uk/.../338906

I've worked for the same company for 24 years and they have a Xmas party every year, I went to the first one and haven't been to one since.

They are talking about festive photographs for the company magazine, I may be unexpectedly Ill that day.

Work Xmas parties - nightmare! In my last job before I retired, I never went to one Christmas party - at first I was nervous about refusing, but just said I couldn't make it so they thought I was doing something else, but as the years went by I got braver and just said it wasn't for me, but thanks for the invite. The ladies also used to go out for lunch just before Christmas and I also didn't go to that at first, but after I got to know the other ladies better I started to attend and it was ok, although people weren't getting drunk, taking photos and singing at the top of their voices like I heard happened at the evening parties. I also declined joining in with the "secret santa" present giving "hilarity".

As they said on Grange Hill - "Just Say NO"!

You sound an awful lot like me. Loud ticking clocks are awful, I'm torn between them and florescent tubes for the worst noise.

Currently I'm trying to avoid a work Xmas event, dress up and have your photo taken, it'll be fun, er not for me it won't.

Love this thread. For me the ‘oh’ moment was my reactions to loud noises - used to insist on taking my dad’s ear defenders to firework events as a child in the ‘80s, but no one else was even covering their ears. I still find unexpected loud noises more uncomfortable and intolerable than NTs seem to. For ages my family described it as me having amazing hearing, but it isn’t that at all.  And bright lighting (as discussed in another thread and my intolerance of that was another such moment.