Identity

Names are strange, though wonderful, things. Nothing intrinsically connects us to a name (nothing with a tangible tether to our corporeal being), apart from a consensus among those who gave the name (be it parent, guardian, or - if exercising a right to change it, or deciding that's what we'd have chosen anyway- ourselves) and the people who are then in your circle. I've always really liked my actual name (it's not Shardovan :-)) even at times when I've found not much else to like about me at all. So much so that some part of me almost wishes it was unique to me. And it's the name I'd have chosen even if I'd had a say. Of course, this name/me combination is itself unique, so.... fair. 

As far as recognising myself, I think my autistic wiring was more responsible in the past (pre-'diagnosis') than I ever realised for the horror I felt at it. I think I was dysphoric for quite some time - convinced I was teh ugliest and stranges looking person on Earth. In reality, and it's taken a long time to really see it, I'm just what I am: no oil painting, but not quite scaring the horses either. I just am as I am, and I can feel more neutral about that even if a little disconnected from ever truly seeing what others must see in a  much more 'neutral'/objective way.  

I have never felt comfortable looking in the mirror, it’s not that I hate what I see but I just don’t like it. Mirrors are something I avoid unless I’m standing well back. I don’t like photos being taken either, I never seem to be looking at the lens of the camera, I wonder if my poor eye contact is the reason? maybe it’s uncomfortable because technically your looking into the eyes of the photographer. I feel like I don’t look like myself in a photograph if that makes sense? 

I'm uncomfortable with being photographed, not that most folks in where I live are aware of that. Looking in the mirror? I guess I could do with long hair and more feminine features... Dysphoria? I don't know. I do look pretty with a choker, though.

Mirrors are things I appeared in for work, when I was hairdressing there were always lots of mirrors for obvious reasons.

I hate photographs of me to the point where I'm almost phobic, I even refused to have any wedding photo's. I saw a photo of me from when I was a teenager and didn't recognise myself. I don't relate to photos at all, theres something missing from them.

My name isn't rare but it's not common either and I've only been in a place where there's been more than one of us for a week and both of us always knew which one of us was being spoken too. Actually I don't hear my name said that often. I don't like my name particularly, but I hate it being shortened.

It’s weird right? People tell you: Just eat when you’re hungry, but I’m only perceiving the hunger in form of almost fainting or feeling very sick because of low blood sugar. So I’m either not eating at all or I’m suddenly overeating since I also barely know when I’m no longer hungry. Same with drinking.

I was prescribed an antipsychotic and with a SSRI once to try and help with sleep. It caused a sort of depersonalisation so everything felt like a first person video game, Like I was viewing the world through someone else's eyes. (On a slight delay) Nothing felt quite real.

It was incredibly disconcerting, the longer I took it, the worse it became. After a month I had to stop taking them.

This sounds very familiar to me. I don’t like my photos being taken, often feel uncomfortable and avoid looking into the camera. I used to hate myself, now it’s a bit better and I can just look at my reflection in the mirror. With my name - I used to hate it and I felt it sounds odd and bad, but now I just accept it without any emotions. 

For me the face I see in the mirror might not be mine, I now look very much like my father and now also plays into it. 

I also mirror others and my core personality sometimes feels a little overwhelmed but I still know I'm in here.

The way I look has very little to do with my identity it's just the outer appearance of the shell I inhabit.

I often feel at times my brain, body and self are all different entities inhabiting the same space which all agree on some form of limited cooperation.

I think there's a degree of body dismorphia thrown in, when I was much younger I was very athletic and was very sensitive about my appearance. Now I'm older and slightly broken as most things hurt when doing anything physical, I watch my weight and try to moderate my alcohol intake.

The whole hungry thing is odd, I can be fine and then it's full on shakes and stomach cramps, I just tend to eat and drink on a rough schedule which usually gets me through, unless I'm busy or exerting myself then I'm in trouble.

Not so much with my name but very much with my body. In kindergarten I used to get really angry about people making fun of my name, so I guess it was kind of important for me. My body however… It’s often as if I’m a demon possessing a random body. This unfortunately triggers a lot of body image issues for me. Since I feel so weirdly disconnected that I often get angry of my body. While I also get angry with myself, it’s different with this skin-suit I’m wearing. Whenever there’s a body-unrelated issue, I’m thinking: Stupid me. But as soon as the body’s the problem, I find myself thinking: stupid body, why do I have to put up with you? 
I feel like this is related to the fact that many autistic individuals struggle with identifying their body’s needs (like feeling hungry, or thirsty).

I see a lot of different people in my mirror, sometiems tidy, sometimes dishevelled, sometimes old and weary looking sometimes quite surprisingly fresh looking. All sorts of reflections and snapshots of my current state.  It is what it is.

My "identity" is made up of all sorts of variables, not just how I look.

Interesting. My Sunday name is Andrew and is what my family always called me, but everyone else always called me Andy. A few people I work with (remotely) call me A. I’ve long used another name on forums and for gaming - “incandescent”.

I suppose these are all different aspects of my identity but none of them describe the whole.

When I’m asked my name face to face I’m never quite sure which to pick and my surname is often mispronounced or misheard so whenever I tell people my name it always sounds like a question, like I’m not sure.

And physical identity - I’m quite happy with my body but I don’t feel it’s “me”. It’s just a physical vehicle that I ride around in. Or maybe even observe the camera input from a remote location.