Eating with other people

April said:

My family talk and I never know what to say

The trick is to let them do the talking by making a note of what is new for them, what is going on in their lives or what is their special interest and ask an open ended question relating to that.

This way:

1 - they think you are paying attention to them, it gets you bonus points.

2 - gives them a chance to fill the time with their thoughts, opinions etc

3 - if they ask you something back then you can chew a mouthfull of food for a while and if the conversation has not already moved on by the time you are ready to answer, you have just bought 20 seconds to think of an answer.

Keep the questions from you open ended so they can feel you are interested and want to hear from them - hopefully other family members will want to get a word in edgeways and will take the conversation down a different route.

That is my technique anyway - works a charm.

All comments interest me. I think it depends on if it's my choice or not and how well I know people. I've been with acquaintences and sort of strangers for the day where I'd been on my own but kindly been invited over to a table and joined so out of politeness. Nowhere did it occur to me to sit with them from the beginning. A colleague I worked with used to want to "hang out" and eat together - we were already working all day together!! But for him it was the social aspect. With certain people we talk either side of the meal but not much while eating. With others intertwined.

For me it's both aspects in my OP. It depends on context.

I agree tho Debs.  4 is the magic number!

Even eating with my closest family is hard for me - the clicking sound of cutlery off plates is terrible. And talking too. For me eating is functional. Filling my stomach to not feel hungry for some time. I hate family gatherings but if I really have to, I show up, smile, nod my head as a response to small talk approaches and then after leaving my grandparents I used to take a deep breath: finally free! Now I’m living quite far away so it doesn’t happen often anymore, but before when I was living in the same city it was few times a year. The only good thing about it is that my granny cooked really good. Now they are also older so they have no more power to organize such gatherings. 
the only thing I liked there was washing dishes - a bit loud yeah but at least I had an excuse to not sit with others, and granny was happy because she had a helper. 

I typically prefer to eat alone. I do occasionally go out for lunch with colleagues and I struggle in group conversations, so I tend to just sit and listen. I'm not a foody person, and with me being such a picky eater I feel awkward when I have to ask for special arrangements to be made for me - such as avoiding a certain place to eat because there's not a single thing on the menu that I'd be okay with eating.

Auditory processing disorder and autism:

https://edu.admin.ox.ac.uk/auditory-processing-disorder

If I eat out I like to sit outside where there is no music and the sounds are less intense.

He has perfected a “do you mind!” glare if I look at him when he’s eating, or worse, in his litter tray ‍

Deleted User said:

well, my cat tends to sit on the table and stare at my dinner

You should do the same to him when he's eating.

See how he likes it!

Deleted User said:

On the occasions when I've been in a restaurant with work colleagues or whatever, I find I tend to concentrate on my food, perhaps a bit of monotropism combined with difficult hearing what people are saying in restaurants.

My autistic friend is the same.

It's impossible to concentrate on what is being said in a group for both of us but the background noise just makes it a nightmare.

I live alone so eating is a solitary activity (well, my cat tends to sit on the table and stare at my dinner, but you know what I mean).

But even before that I think I preferred to eat alone. I hated the noise of other people eating as a kid so I learned to inhale my dinner very quickly and get away from the table as quickly as possible. On the occasions when I've been in a restaurant with work colleagues or whatever, I find I tend to concentrate on my food, perhaps a bit of monotropism combined with difficult hearing what people are saying in restaurants.

Unknown said:

I was going to post more but I'd like to see what others say first

Your turn.

I prefer to eat alone and usually do at home.

I can't follow conversation if there are more than 4 people and that number is a strain.

I generally find conversation difficult and if it is a group impossible .

If there is background noise 

Me too, I like sitting around a table to eat, I enjoy food and cooking and it's nice to share this. Food is never just refuelling to me, it's always thoughful.

It's more social than refuelling for me as well When we sit around the table I find it stressful. My family talk and I never know what to say, it's like being the pink elephant in a room with grey elephants. I do sit and listen, try and figure out how they talk, how they keep the conversation going in the vain hope I'll learn how to do it too.

But it's hard as well because then my thoughts race in my head and it's like I'm standing in a busy shopping centre where the noise is so loud I can't distinguish what is being said and the thoughts race past. At the same time I have to focus on eating as well and that's hard because I constantly analyse every little thing including the food.

Eating on my own is better as I don't need to worry about making conversation but I prefer eating with my family as it equals social contact even if I don't say anything at least I am with them and interacting.

I am hopeful someday I will reach a stage where I can actually be a part of the conversation.

Sitting around a table to enjoy food and drink together aids my ability to have proper conversations with people.

I find that a total of 4 or 6 humans together in that way is optimum for me to enjoy conversation together.

Long after completion of any food consumption, I prefer to remain around a table to talk.