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social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

  • I have also learned how to do it, similarly to Martyn - possibly for a lot longer (you'd have to ask my interactors).

    But the fact the myself and Iain can do it for a while, and Martyn can do it briefly and other not at all, tells me that this aspect come easier to some of us and harder to others, so it should not be judged as something that anyone can do in the same way that mathematics comes easy to some and not others.

    Being the expert that I am, I can still have the strangest interactions with the people closest to me.

    My wife on several occasions: "why do you always have to announce that you are going to the toilet?"

    Me: Note to self, do not say when you are going to the toilet, as it seems to upset her

    (months pass)

    My wife: complex questions about a programme that we just watched

    Me, who is dying to go to the loo, impatiently cuts her short but unable to say why.

    My wife: "why were you so impatient when I was just asking about the show?"

    Me: *DOES NOT COMPUTE* How do I tell her without violating the rule? I opt to tell her anyway because there was no other way to explain.

    My wife: "why didn't you just tell me that you had to go to the loo?"

    OK, not quite small talk, but it shows that even the experts like me look like weirdos to our beloved NTs. The conversation was actually a lot longer and far stranger than this summary. Her conclusion was there should be no rule. Secretly, my conclusion is that now I have two rules.

Reply

  • I have also learned how to do it, similarly to Martyn - possibly for a lot longer (you'd have to ask my interactors).

    But the fact the myself and Iain can do it for a while, and Martyn can do it briefly and other not at all, tells me that this aspect come easier to some of us and harder to others, so it should not be judged as something that anyone can do in the same way that mathematics comes easy to some and not others.

    Being the expert that I am, I can still have the strangest interactions with the people closest to me.

    My wife on several occasions: "why do you always have to announce that you are going to the toilet?"

    Me: Note to self, do not say when you are going to the toilet, as it seems to upset her

    (months pass)

    My wife: complex questions about a programme that we just watched

    Me, who is dying to go to the loo, impatiently cuts her short but unable to say why.

    My wife: "why were you so impatient when I was just asking about the show?"

    Me: *DOES NOT COMPUTE* How do I tell her without violating the rule? I opt to tell her anyway because there was no other way to explain.

    My wife: "why didn't you just tell me that you had to go to the loo?"

    OK, not quite small talk, but it shows that even the experts like me look like weirdos to our beloved NTs. The conversation was actually a lot longer and far stranger than this summary. Her conclusion was there should be no rule. Secretly, my conclusion is that now I have two rules.

Children
  • in reply to SpikeyMark

    We always say when we're going to the bathroom - because we only have one, so it's partly to check that the other person doesn't also need to use it urgently. But then we're an ND-ND pair.