social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents
  • Some of us I think just can't be bothered with it - generally I can't. 

    I know how it works 'cos I've had 60 years on the planet observing others do it. OK, so old lady at the bus stop who wants to talk about the weather, I'll oblige out of politeness because I might be the only person she spoke to all day, but in the main it's just wasting my "spoons" of social energy, so I certainly don't initiate small talk.

    On the other hand, if I ask someone how they are, it's not small talk. I actually want to know and I hope people don't feel bound to say "fine" if they aren't.

    My other half is ADHD and can't be bothered with it either. Irritates the Hell out of him actually.

Reply
  • Some of us I think just can't be bothered with it - generally I can't. 

    I know how it works 'cos I've had 60 years on the planet observing others do it. OK, so old lady at the bus stop who wants to talk about the weather, I'll oblige out of politeness because I might be the only person she spoke to all day, but in the main it's just wasting my "spoons" of social energy, so I certainly don't initiate small talk.

    On the other hand, if I ask someone how they are, it's not small talk. I actually want to know and I hope people don't feel bound to say "fine" if they aren't.

    My other half is ADHD and can't be bothered with it either. Irritates the Hell out of him actually.

Children
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