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social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

  • I think if some people are already perceived as "off", no amount of learning something which doesn't come naturally will make any difference. On the other hand, I'm a high masker and have probably tried to make small talk with other people who are also probably autistic but not knowing. As a high masker I actually enjoy small talk on my terms if there's absolutely no commitment (eg at the bus stop), but in more regular environments it simply adds to the exhaustion faced on a daily basis.

  • in reply to Deleted User
    Unknown said:
    I think if some people are already perceived as "off", no amount of learning something which doesn't come naturally will make any difference.

    I agree - it is kind of like learning a foreign language using a book - you need to practice, make mistakes and learn how it should be spoken but more importantly find a way to silence the inner monologue that so many of us have in order to focus on the task in hand.

    I've seen different ways of doing this and found some that work for me but it isn't easy.

    Like learning a foreign language it takes dedication and a willingness to make mistakes in front of others - something I think many autists have become very risk averse because of previous traumas around it.

    Add in the common trait of change resistance and it becomes another barrier we throw in the way.

    I'm fairly certain we are all capable of learning the skills, but whether the effort and discomfort is worth it to them is a different matter.

  • in reply to Iain

    My carefully crafted response was too carefully crafted snd has gone to spam heaven or wherever.  I don't know how I bother.

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