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social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

  • I spent a lot of my youth trying to learn from failed conversations, I was the same as many others here, it was either what I had said wrongly or now I realise what I hadn’t said. Some conversations were epic failures.
    I suppose it’s when the masking and scripting starts, I learnt to get by but was never really accepted, I realise a lot of autistic people struggle with not being accepted, but do we ever really accept neurotypical people for being different to us? I suppose the double empathy problem is evident. Now at an older age I can get bored very quickly as I don’t really want to chat, I can still script with people I know but still cringe when the conversation has lowered to the weather.

Reply

  • I spent a lot of my youth trying to learn from failed conversations, I was the same as many others here, it was either what I had said wrongly or now I realise what I hadn’t said. Some conversations were epic failures.
    I suppose it’s when the masking and scripting starts, I learnt to get by but was never really accepted, I realise a lot of autistic people struggle with not being accepted, but do we ever really accept neurotypical people for being different to us? I suppose the double empathy problem is evident. Now at an older age I can get bored very quickly as I don’t really want to chat, I can still script with people I know but still cringe when the conversation has lowered to the weather.

Children
  • in reply to Roy

    Every day at work I have to have numerous phone calls or Teams messages. Inevitably people start with hello, how are you doing, did you have a good weekend/Christmas/evening, what about that weather eh?

    All to ask a one sentence question with a yes/no answer.

    To say I find this tedious is an understatement. I know I have a few coworkers who feel the same. It’s so much more pleasant dealing with them, where you can just message a question out of the blue without all the waffle.