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social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

  • Because the rules are not at all simple. It is a lot to remember whilst trying to do it at the same time. Many of us have such busy inner monologues, thinking about rules and speaking at the same time is a challenge, not to mention also processing what the other person is saying and thinking of a response at the same rime. The anxiety about is also very high which makes it more challenging. Not to mention it's purpose seems completely pointless so my motivation to master it probably isn't that high if I'm honest. 

    I'll throw a question back to you. Do you think autistic people should always be learning, as you put it , basic skills to fit in more with the neurotypical world? Or do you think that neurotypical people should be meeting us in the middle and learning to communicate the way we do?

  • in reply to Expecto_Patronum
    Expecto_Patronum said:
    Do you think autistic people should always be learning, as you put it , basic skills to fit in more with the neurotypical world? Or do you think that neurotypical people should be meeting us in the middle and learning to communicate the way we do?

    I look at it from the perspective of what people here keep saying about wanting to have friends, wanting to fit in, wanting to seem "normal".

    For context, about 1 in 50 people are autistic and I would estimate about half have social interaction issues (this is just a guestimate), so about 1 in 100 struggle with this.

    If you want to engage with others socially but don't know how then do you as the 1 person in a group of 100 expect the other 99 to change and adapt in order to make it easier for you? This seems both unreasonable and unrealistic when you look at it from a numbers perspective.

    So should 1 make a lot of effort or should 99 make a reasonable effort?

    Expecto_Patronum said:
    the rules are not at all simple.

    They actually are pretty simple, but it is having the capacity to consider them when under the stress of a social interaction that is difficult.

    I find that expectation of so many to change for our benefit an interesting issue, hence why I started the thread to hear opinions.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    I look at it from the perspective of what people here keep saying about wanting to have friends

    The friends I have are not small talkers. I really do understand what you are saying but genuine connections come when we can be ourselves. 

  • in reply to Deleted User

    This is something I’ve only really understood late in life.

    I have a decent mask. But it’s like a force field that hides the real me. It’s fake. A facade.

    How can people develop a close relationship with a facade?

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