social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents
  • The dreaded question,'What have you been doing?' Or variations of that. Meant well, but I can't answer in a way that stimulates further conversation. Why? Because day after day after day etc for me is  being online, and doing very little apart from that. Then there's the issue of when and how to approach someone to start a conversation. I'll seldom,if ever, initiate a conversation.

  • It's funny, I ask other people how they are and expect an honest answer, but when people ask me I just say fine. But where do you start? I'm hot/cold/tired/bored/fed up/needing to eat/thirsty/desperate for a huge mug of good tea/have a huge supermarket shop to do/read an interesting book/heard some good music/had online call with friends overseas/built some lego/did some singing.

    If they ask a follow-up question, I'll provide more info. I only occasionally initiate a conversation especially on the phone, I prefer email or in person. I think I've just got better with practice with in-person conversation, though I do feel awkward a lot when I don't know someone, it's hard to get a conversation started so I leave it up to the other person. I'm quite happy sitting in silence, so NT people will become uncomfortable eventually and say something.

  • I often say "what's going on?" instead of how are you?

  • I wonder how many times Marvin Gaye was greeted like that?Smiley

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