Published on 12, July, 2020
Lately I've felt like I don't fit. Like I don't struggle enough to be considered autistic. I do struggle, of course. I probably struggle more than neurotypicals do. And I know that being autistic isn't only about struggling. But sometimes it feels like I am faking it. Like it's just another mask that I put on. These sentences are so hard to write. It's like trying to catch a specific snowflake in the blizzard that is my brain. So I'll just stop here. Have you ever felt this way?
I too wonder the same sometimes, I self diagnosed after people I worked with assumed I was anyway, so I did the research and online tests and yes, they suggested I was on the spectrum.
Now that fits with how I've felt all my life and explains a lot of my behaviour so it's vindicating and allows me to feel better about my idiosyncrasies. But at the same time I've got a degree (archaeology) was in that career 30 years, so I feel like I was successful to a point, it's only in the last 5 years since everything in my life charged that I have found myself struggling to get back to where I think a 50 odd year old person should be...and I'm not anywhere near. I am an introvert anyway, no real friends to tell other than one who is miles away and didn't seem surprised. So I just carry on in my small world and question myself. Am I really? Is it in my head? Then I decide to be kind to myself and accept it and feel better. Sigh... I've always just assumed I was wierd.