Plans for 2024.

thank you. R, time will deliver!

Yea - I hear you.  I came to the conclusion a while back that I love to have "good" people around, but cannot abide the "bad" people.  The problem always seems to be that the "good" are often "bad" - discernment can be tricky for me.  Trusting.

For what its worth, I would still encourage you to continue your "wondering WHY it is" that you feel compelled to keep an "empty" life.  When you have cracked that bit, more things will fall into place, and you can then tackle the inevitable follow-up considerations.

i’m turning 18 and hoping to pass my driving test and go on a few solo holidays 

Roy said:

Well done Pegg, you have taken some big steps, personally realising I have been autistic all of my life has changed my perspective of everything

Thanks Roy   it has been the same for me, a revelation. I wish you all the best with your assessment.

Roy said:

If I had the choice of a friend or another dog, I know which way I would go

Yeah! I might go an see the puppies, when they're born. Just to look... No harm in looking, right?

My close friend who died last year, the anniversary of their death is in a couple of days. It's a hard loss to bear, and hard to think about friendships, as they so rarely happen, for  me.

Roy said:

Soon be spring and brighter evenings

I'm watching the light return to the days, it's lovely. 

Hmm, sometimes I think about friends and companionship. Even though I am solitary, I am occasionally lonely.

But, with notable exceptions, I feel compelled to keep my life clear, empty almost, of people. I have often wondered why this is, but there's no denying it. 

I don't know, still much of a mystery to myself!

Pegg said:

but, I'm not sure I want people in my life! 

I guess, if you can narrow down the reasons for this doubt, then you may be able to resolve a conclusion.

I went through the same thing......for what its worth, I concluded - SOME IN, SOME OUT.....but it took a while.

Thank you, I’m glad you have such supportive parents. I use trains to travel in Italy, most have an upstairs so the views are amazing, all the trains run exactly to time, I book all the train tickets from this end so I know exactly when and where I need to be. Rome is fascinating, I personally love Florence, (Firenze) I’m normally happiest when I’m up in the hills and mountains of Tuscany.

Well done Pegg, you have taken some big steps, personally realising I have been autistic all of my life has changed my perspective of everything. You have made some big changes, you should be proud of yourself.

Friendships can be daunting, I have 2 friends but often don’t see either of them for months at a time, to be honest, they maintain the friendships.

If I had the choice of a friend or another dog, I know which way I would go, perhaps though, see how a friendship might also be a good thing, one of my friends I told all about my autism, the reply was, “ I thought you might be autistic,” he always listens and never judges. He knows if I don’t answer texts, I’m not being rude. I sometimes just need space.

Soon be spring and brighter evenings. 

I don't normally set arbitrary goals for the years especially since I beat myself up if I don't reach them but I'm going to set myself some loose goals for the year with hopefully some of them being attainable. Some of these may seem small and more likely (but I have already put off for months) and others are a bit trickier but, I've got all year, maybe I'll get there.

1) Start & finish applying for PIP / Appealing if I don't get it etc. The process sounds overwhelming and at the very end I might not even actually get it but my goal isn't especially to get it (obviously that would be ideal though), but that's not something in my control and its best to set goals you can control. All I can control is my attempt to apply, go through the process etc. so that is my goal.

2) Coming off from that one, I want to work on seeing life and setting goals for myself from the perspective of what I can control, what I can do and not dwell so much on things that I have no control over. You could set a goal to, for example, do a specific marathon event and then suddenly the marathon gets callied off... shouldn't mean failure right? But sadly if I don't accomplish what I want to accomplish even through no fault of my own I see it as my own failure, I take responsibility for everything that goes wrong but sadly that never goes the other way as I dismiss my own successes. Think it's an important perspective shift to work on.

3) Get out more, easier said than done but I'd really like to try and go to places. Even if it's just visiting one place a month for the year. Coupled with this I want to make a visit to my GP at some point regarding my diagnosis and I'd also like to visit my bank branch before it closes to sort out some issues setting up my online banking (all I did is write my password down incorrectly, or accidentally did caps lock, it's a small thing but I've been putting it off months). Slow and steady, build myself up to doing just one simple journey or task a month. Maybe visit a supermarket and simply buy a packet of biscuits, small steps.

4) Find some consistent job I can do, at the moment I'm on a zero hour contract working just weekends. They're only 5 hour shifts which is about the most I can manage in one day (especially because I don't take lunch) and being only 2 days it's not a reliable income at all especially being zero hours I could end up getting none one week and what if they just don't keep me on much longer after the Christmas boom.

5) Exercise, over the last year I did already make progress on this in my daily routine but this year I want to step it up a bit more.

6) Find time for hobbies, living with other people but spending all your time at home means very few opportunities for alone time. Hopefully I can push myself to give more time for me and that might help in finding me too.

Travel, over a sea, always makes the journey more special, to my way of thinking.  Island mentality.  I'm a bit jealous of your Burns night adventure - it sounds bonnie.

I also plan to get a cross-ferry Coach journey from Belfast to Birmingham, and back, in July for a conference.

I do have a cross-ferry Coach journey to Ayr, booked, for Burns Night; this month.

In 2009, I booked a return TGV journey from CDG Airport to Anguoleme, and back, from a UK-based European Rail site. On the return journey, the Conductor slagged me off, in French, and made me pay for a single journey, by card.

I felt so sorry, for myself, as a boy. Became anti-smacking as a young man. But, now, I see that I'm nothing but grateful for being smacked. I just internalised, whenever I should have externalised.

Best of luck Roy and good luck with your new home. I hope you find a house that will be special to you and bring you many, many happy days.

Take it one day at a time

I feel like I don't know what 2024 will bring. Last year was change. I finished a book, I returned to work, I found myself, and this place. 

Maybe that's enough excitement for now! 

Avenues appear - 

My friend from school who brought me a Christmas tree would like to know me better, but, I'm not sure I want people in my life! 

The dog's parents are having new puppies soon, do I want one, ask the owners? Do I?

Am I interested in being involved with an upcoming project? 

My mind races off down these paths, exploring complex narratives, the purpose of which seems to be to find the worst possible outcomes and fixate on them! 

Yeah... maybe I'll do nothing!

I have my assessment in the summer, it’s starting to get a bit daunting. 

My house is now sold and living with family at the moment, going to start looking at houses in Cornwall soon. The next chapter of my life.

Booked  a break to Naples in April, always wanted to see Pompeii. 

I haven’t touched any of my own classic cars for over two years, I got two running at the weekend and plan to visit some car shows in the summer with a picnic. I need to start living.

I’m going to an indoor Classic Mini Day in Staffordshire at the end of the month, haven’t been near a lot of people for a while.

Thank you! 

I'll let you guys know any progress I make

Good luck with your book, and keep us updated if you'd like to.

Thanks @Amerantin, I find self-awareness to be a slippery little blighter. Just when I think that I am getting somewhere with it, I trip over something previously unnoticed/ignored, or realise that I have spent the last decade believing in the Flat Earth theory of myself.