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Help! Not feeling up to travelling but I don’t want to let people down

Fen

Hi, I was wondering if anyone here had any advice or could at least relate to this. I was gifted a weekend to amsterdam with my boyfriend next month. 

I due to my autism find travelling quite distressing and overwhelming. I don’t really want to go but I feel I have to, otherwise I will disappoint my boyfriend (even though I never asked for this trip and have explained and he has seen first hand various times that I find travelling too overwhelming most of the time).

I also don’t want to go because as much as my boyfriend tries to be understanding and not pressure me, he doesn’t understand autism and how difficult these things are for me no matter how I try and explain it, and how physically exhausting they make me. I am also scared of feeling the pressure of having to be out in public sightseeing the whole time, when I can’t do that without then going in to burnout and feeling awful for weeks. 

Do I go and mask to not disappoint him or do I look after myself and not go and prevent feeling completely overwhelmed and burnout? 

Im stressing so much every day and not sleeping well to the dread of this trip even though it’s 4 weeks away 

  • Hi- I can relate this a lot- I have huge anxiety related to travelling or changes in routine and I really wish I could just travel and visit friends abroad and enjoy it. 
    I’ve made the mistake in past when asked to travel, that I would just agree to it and act ‘normal’ ie pretend to be excited etc. because I felt so bad about letting people down and really wishes I could just be fine with it. Then the date would approach I would try ignore my panic but grow increasingly anxious and then end up pulling out last minute by saying I was ill. This is clearly not the ideal way to deal with this situation - I think pulling out was right (i struggle even to eat a meal out, find a day trip almost impossible and don’t even go home for Christmas or any other occasion due to my anxiety) but I think it would be much better to be honest from the start and to talk about it, see if there is any way to make the trip manageable or if that is not an option, explain that you are not ready to travel. I would hope that your boyfriend would understand. Maybe you can suggest doing some other activities together (if you have any ideas you feel comfortable with ). 

  • i dunno, if hes organising everything and doing everything and your just along for the ride it should be pretty chill. like how parents used to drag me on holiday, i didnt need to worry about anything like how to get there where im going. if hes doing everything it will be chill.

  • If it were me i wouldnt go. I have done so many things for others in the past to avoid dissapointing them and suffered as a result. I have booked solo holidays then when the time came to go i havent gone and lost money, but the loss of money didn't matter to me, i just couldnt go. Not really a choice, but a reason for looking after myself. Going away  preparing, keeping up with everything has overwhelmed me. Once you have made your decision i am sure you will feel better, and hopefully your boyfriebd will understand x

  • From a grumpy middle aged person... Stand up for yourself and do what you need to do. You're bf doesn't understand autism. Bottom line, if he doesn't try why are you still with him? I am extremely jaded and have no tolerance for anyone who puts their need for fun over my need to self regulate and not have meltdowns in which I hurt myself.  I'd tell him to cancel and get a refund, or go with a friend. Your can say you really appreciate the offer but it will make you too unwell and no-one will have a good time. 

    Signed

    someone who can't maintain relationships with anyone and has spent too long in company today