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Post pandemic ‘normality’

Kate Kestrel

I was talking with my family last night about the way the pandemic has impacted on us. Three of us have an autism diagnosis, and one of us is very likely autistic but not diagnosed. When the lockdown started we were all to some degree relieved to have an ‘excuse’ to withdraw from many aspects of life that we found stressful, such as going to work, seeing people, having face to face appointments with people etc etc. It meant that we could avoid a lot of stuff that we’d always found really difficult. We withdrew from society because we were being told to, and in some ways this was quite suited to our nature. However we are still finding it very hard to return to ‘normal’. My son’s social anxiety feels more entrenched than ever, and I find dealing with people and day to day problems much more stressful. It’s as if the pandemic got us into a more reclusive state of living and now we’re finding it harder to get out of our tendency to withdraw from life. Every problem feels like such a big deal now, we feel so easily overwhelmed by life. We find being around lots of people so stressful. However we also feel very isolated, despite the fact that in many ways we like being away from people. And the news is always so grim about everything falling apart - essential services like the nhs etc. The war in Ukraine. Everything feels so insecure. Everything is so expensive. When we do go out so many other people seem to look stressed and tired too. 
It all feel is so overwhelming sometimes. 
There’s this narrative that the pandemic is ‘over’, but we feel we are still really struggling to feel ‘normal’ again. It’s had a big impact on us and we’re finding it hard to mentally get back to where we were before it all happened. We were struggling even before it all though to be honest, but I think it’s made many of our problems even more difficult now. 
Does anyone else feel like this?

Parents

  • No I feel differently. I hated being cooped up inside. Not being able to spend time with friends. Not being able to do things outside of the house to relax like go window shopping or go to the cinema.

    After the pandemic the world changed and in some ways it never went back. Restaurants I used to go to with my friends closed. The pub that I used to sit in when I was feeling stressed and needed to get out of the house closed.

    A lot of my friends use the pandemic as an excuse to cut ties or create distance. The weekly get-together I had with my brother and some of his friends stopped I think largely because they were getting tired of it and also some of them were getting a little bit afraid of leaving the house. The local LARP Group that was one of the last places I could hang out with old friends every now and again even though I myself am not into LARP stopped holding social meetings.

    my life outside of work was held together with string and sticky tape. And then the pandemic came along and knocked it over and it collapsed. And I’m certainly not grateful for the excuse to stay inside.

    I spent a fair portion of my time in the year or two before the pandemic feeling like my friends didn’t have enough time for me. I thought the pandemic will show them what it’s like to be isolated, when I reach out to them I will finally get more reciprocation, more enthusiasm for spending time together even if it is online. Instead they all hid in their little holes and stoped talking to me. And in some cases I suspect they’re still hiding in their holes today.

  • in reply to Peter

    Hi Peter, I’m sorry that it’s impacted you in this way, that must be very difficult for you. The pandemic has had such wide ranging effects on people’s lives. Perhaps what lies behind your friends reluctance is simply fear of one form or another. Or maybe the expense of going out these days? We went out for a meal (sitting outside) last week and we were shocked how much everything cost. Also I think people have just got out of the habit of certain things. We used to go to the cinema really regularly but I was surprised to find that I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would. Now we are happy just to watch films at home and it saves a lot of money too. We just changed the habit of going out to watch films, and don’t feel the need to go back. And I still want to avoid catching Covid. 

    Anyway, thanks for your reply and I hope that with time your friends return to being more sociable with you. 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    So some of them it might actually be a genuine fear. For example one of the organisers of the LARP group I mentioned has an immuno compromising health condition.

    but for a lot of them they’ve simply drifted away. Some have actively created distance which is what hurts the most. And I think they did it because after 5 years of close friendship they realised that I was much more attached to them than they were to me. That I relied on them emotionally much more than they did on me. and that I would ultimately like to be much more present in their lives when they had time to be present in mine. And so I think they decided to cut contact because they couldn’t handle the fact that to me they were very close friends and they didn’t really feel that close to me anymore if they ever had.

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Honestly I think it’s just a thing that autistic people intrinsically struggle with. Especially extroverted autistic people. You want to be around people and making connections with them you want to spend time with them. But it’s intrinsically harder for you to do than other people.

    so you have fewer friends and fewer friend groups, But if you are just as extroverted as a normal person then you are going to want to spend as much time with those friends as you would if you had many more friends. So on one level you’re always going to be putting more emphasis on your friendships with your Neurotypical peers than they put on the friendship.

    which then makes them view you as needy or attention seeking or over dramatic, as after all you only this small group of friends to turn to for emotional support over your drama.

    it sucks it sucks it sucks so bad. And I’m sure it can’t just be me. I can’t be the only autistic extrovert who is desperate for a better social life

  • in reply to Peter

    I can understand that. I’m sorry because that’s very hurtful, even though I imagine they don’t mean it that way. People have busy, complicated lives and often they just haven’t got the energy and time to put into maintaining friendships and contact with family. I know it’s hard but do your best to not take it personally - easier said than done of course. I often felt very insecure about friendships before I met my husband - I found it so hard to know whether people liked me or not, or if they viewed the friendship differently to how I viewed it. I felt very lonely a lot of the time. When I met my husband I felt I didn’t need to worry so much about the fact that I found friendships so difficult and so worrying. Basically my husband became my true friend in a way I hadn’t experienced before. I was so insecure in all my friendships until I met him. And then we became a bit of an ‘island’. My eldest used to do Larp before the pandemic and his group stopped meeting up too. He moved away so he didn’t have the chance to return to it. So you’re not alone. I hope you can make new connections in time, but I really understand and it’s not easy. Good luck :) 

Reply
  • in reply to Peter

    I can understand that. I’m sorry because that’s very hurtful, even though I imagine they don’t mean it that way. People have busy, complicated lives and often they just haven’t got the energy and time to put into maintaining friendships and contact with family. I know it’s hard but do your best to not take it personally - easier said than done of course. I often felt very insecure about friendships before I met my husband - I found it so hard to know whether people liked me or not, or if they viewed the friendship differently to how I viewed it. I felt very lonely a lot of the time. When I met my husband I felt I didn’t need to worry so much about the fact that I found friendships so difficult and so worrying. Basically my husband became my true friend in a way I hadn’t experienced before. I was so insecure in all my friendships until I met him. And then we became a bit of an ‘island’. My eldest used to do Larp before the pandemic and his group stopped meeting up too. He moved away so he didn’t have the chance to return to it. So you’re not alone. I hope you can make new connections in time, but I really understand and it’s not easy. Good luck :) 

Children
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Honestly I think it’s just a thing that autistic people intrinsically struggle with. Especially extroverted autistic people. You want to be around people and making connections with them you want to spend time with them. But it’s intrinsically harder for you to do than other people.

    so you have fewer friends and fewer friend groups, But if you are just as extroverted as a normal person then you are going to want to spend as much time with those friends as you would if you had many more friends. So on one level you’re always going to be putting more emphasis on your friendships with your Neurotypical peers than they put on the friendship.

    which then makes them view you as needy or attention seeking or over dramatic, as after all you only this small group of friends to turn to for emotional support over your drama.

    it sucks it sucks it sucks so bad. And I’m sure it can’t just be me. I can’t be the only autistic extrovert who is desperate for a better social life