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Friendship related worries

Oakling

For starters, I think the word itself means so many different things to so many different people which, in turn, can create a conflict of expectations at times.

I think for me, I have so few friends (based on my understanding of friendship) that I hold myself to such a high standard for those people. I really try to listen to what they are saying and to show my support for them, I also try to show my appreciation for them in my not so conventional ways (can’t do hugs etc. so I tend to make things for people or show it through the way I interact verbally) but I often worry that they don’t see it and what those gestures actually mean to me. It often seems to fall flat from my point of view. Probably a bit of the double empathy problem at work, but still disappointing.

I think I probably expect people to be mind readers sometimes, but I suppose I worry that people that I really care about don’t know it.

I have lost a lot of people recently and so making sure that people know I care has become a whole lot more important to me, but I worry that people don’t recognise it.

I know that I’m probably obsessing over this at the moment, which probably won’t be so evident in this simple post, but it is definitely a worry on my mind.

Any thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

  • I'm a non-hugger myself, except for people very close to me. If a friend is upset, I tend to analyse the problem and suggest practical remedies, rather than doing the 'there-there, pat on the back' response. I rather think that friends appreciate the effort that is expended in the analysis and advice, the hugs and pats on the back they can get from anyone neurotypical, we are more useful.

  • I think this post, what you say, shows that you really care and anyone who is lucky enough to be your friend will know that you are sincere and not only care but are also a really good friend.

    So try to relax, you have nothing to worry about on that score.

    I wish I had a friend like you. Blush

  • This is something I've been thinking lately - I need to let the people who matter know about it.  I think they do but it's nice to let people know this. I've realised there's a lot that goes unspoken (vague assumptions) but this could also mean people are taken for granted. Sometimes people need telling. I know when it's been the other way round it's lovely to hear. I'm going to put a note in the next greeting card (if I remember to send them). It is a bit awkward though... and i think the dynamic might be a bit different for blokes. I myself operate better on insults as compliments. 

  • in reply to Iain

    I appreciate the notion, but find it very hard to actually execute. I suppose that’s part of the problem really.

    Growing up I especially struggled with the phrase ‘I love you’ (in the family context rather than using that phrase with friends- that would be a bit much!). I saw and heard other families saying that sort of stuff, but never really could.

  • Oakling said:
    making sure that people know I care has become a whole lot more important to me, but I worry that people don’t recognise it

    Occams razor - the problem-solving principle that recommends searching for explanations constructed with the smallest possible set of elements.

    Applied here - if you want your friends to know then tell them. Keep it simple, brief and to the point, be sincere and give them a chance to ask questions.

    Job done!