Published on 12, July, 2020
It’s been quite some time since I’ve had the confidence to write on this forum. Hopefully you’ll have me back again.
I’m feeling the all too familiar signs of burn out once more and it’s having its impact on my speech and co-ordination again. These are the moments I really start to feel trapped inside my own head.
Today has, in fact these past few weeks have, been rough. All the simple stuff is not really happening for me at the moment. Today I was scheduled to attend a training event with my colleagues from work. 10 minute drive. We all used our sat navs. They all got there, I did not. I drove round for an hour and ended up at a farm, rather than the building I was headed for.
‘You have arrived at your destination’
No, I’ve arrived at a cattle shed.
The frustration from this for me comes from the fact that we all used the same app and typed in the same thing. I even spent the time to check with a couple of colleagues before setting off. We all got the same results. How did everyone else get there? Why did this seemingly simple task elude me? Why was it just me that had to make the embarrassing apology to my employer? Events like these really get me down.
I’m trying not to let it get on top of me, as I’ve been working really hard on my self esteem, but in moments like these I feel exhausted and utterly worthless. Can anyone relate?
Yep. I ended up in a town 6 miles east of the town I was heading for, totally confused and nearly had a meltdown because I had to be at an appointment on time, trying to avoid a busy road because of my state of mind, shaking. Going over it later I realised where I went wrong - the road I had in my mind to go down was closed for roadworks so I went to the next road a mile east, then didn't adjust and carried on down south. I was so focused on the appointment that it had gone out of my thoughts at the roundabout where I should have turned off. It made me realise how much mental energy I expend doing "simple" things like driving, navigating, time keeping, scripting what I'm going to say to people, rehearsing it all. I felt so foolish thinking I'd nailed it with what to wear, what to say, appearing normal and then it all falling apart because an unforseen road block I hadn't accounted for completely flummoxed me and I ended up confused and distressed trying to work out what to do in 20 minutes what would usually take me days of planning and giving myself pep talks.
The part about doing in 20 minutes what would usually take days of prep really resonates with me. So much unseen work goes into what we do just to keep up with the busyness of life can catch me off guard from time to time. It’s also something that those who have never been there don’t understand, much as they often say that they ‘get it’.
With a fresher perspective today, I’m starting to see the funny side of yesterdays events.