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I think my boyfriend has autism

Victory

HI, I am new to the forum as of today. I am having problems regarding communication with my boyfriend. We have had communication problems for about 3 years now and I broke up with him because of it a while back. We have been back together for about a year now and the communication issue is still there. 

Only recently did I realize the effects his communication issues were really having on our relationship and even on his and his mother's relationsip.  I did not realize that his mother noticed the same things I did until this week. I have been upset a lot lately because I cannot get him to communicate with me and have told him many times that without communication, we won't last.  His mother just told me that she suspects and has suspected for a while that he has high functioning autism. 

When we first met, I knew he was different because he would never initiate conversation or ask about me during our dates. He never really has.  He responds when I ask him about his day sometimes, but once I talk about my day, he can never empathize with me and starts talking about what is going on with him. 

I have been researching autism and a lot of what he does lines up with the diagnostic criteria. He has a lot of friends, but not close, and his friends are much older than he is. He has difficulty making friends with people his own age.  He doesn't leave the house unless he is going to work or when he is with me.  He can communicate via text, e-mail and facebook, but not in person. 

I love him very much and want to work on our relationship, but am not sure how to get past the communication aspect of it all.

Any thoughts?

 

Parents

  • You need to be able to get used to his way of being, whether he is autistic or not.  He is who he is, and if you cannot accept that then it will never work.

    You could spell out what expectations are in a relationship, so that he knows, but that doesn't mean he will find it easy or be able to fulfill those expectations.

    If he is autistic, his brain is wired differently, it's not his fault and he can't rewire his brain.

    Sometimes, people with autism just didn't realise something, so if you haven't told him, then give him a chance by explaining what it is you want or need so that he has the chance to try.  Whatever happens, don't expect him to presume anything, to have an instinct for that stuff or to pick up on hints, veiled suggestions or body language as to what you want.

    One thing I would say, is even if he doesn't show it that doesn't mean he doesn't have the same emotional feelings as someone considered "neurotypical".

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  • You need to be able to get used to his way of being, whether he is autistic or not.  He is who he is, and if you cannot accept that then it will never work.

    You could spell out what expectations are in a relationship, so that he knows, but that doesn't mean he will find it easy or be able to fulfill those expectations.

    If he is autistic, his brain is wired differently, it's not his fault and he can't rewire his brain.

    Sometimes, people with autism just didn't realise something, so if you haven't told him, then give him a chance by explaining what it is you want or need so that he has the chance to try.  Whatever happens, don't expect him to presume anything, to have an instinct for that stuff or to pick up on hints, veiled suggestions or body language as to what you want.

    One thing I would say, is even if he doesn't show it that doesn't mean he doesn't have the same emotional feelings as someone considered "neurotypical".

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