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I think my boyfriend has autism

Victory

HI, I am new to the forum as of today. I am having problems regarding communication with my boyfriend. We have had communication problems for about 3 years now and I broke up with him because of it a while back. We have been back together for about a year now and the communication issue is still there. 

Only recently did I realize the effects his communication issues were really having on our relationship and even on his and his mother's relationsip.  I did not realize that his mother noticed the same things I did until this week. I have been upset a lot lately because I cannot get him to communicate with me and have told him many times that without communication, we won't last.  His mother just told me that she suspects and has suspected for a while that he has high functioning autism. 

When we first met, I knew he was different because he would never initiate conversation or ask about me during our dates. He never really has.  He responds when I ask him about his day sometimes, but once I talk about my day, he can never empathize with me and starts talking about what is going on with him. 

I have been researching autism and a lot of what he does lines up with the diagnostic criteria. He has a lot of friends, but not close, and his friends are much older than he is. He has difficulty making friends with people his own age.  He doesn't leave the house unless he is going to work or when he is with me.  He can communicate via text, e-mail and facebook, but not in person. 

I love him very much and want to work on our relationship, but am not sure how to get past the communication aspect of it all.

Any thoughts?

 

  • Discussing how you can make personal relationships work across the nerotypical parameters is a complex subject and is difficult one to discuss especially from a male autistic perceptive like myself.  However I shall try and give it a go.

     Some of my general guidelines:

    1. Just as with a nerotypical relationships, there is no single model for a successful and lasting NT/ASD relationship

    2. From experience, living and working in a nerotypical environment can be stressful, especially if high level communication is part of our work.  So from time to time we do have to shut down and chill out

    3. Unfortunately we are not touchy feely people and when we do try and discuss how we feel, often what we say can come appear very negative in a nerotypical way

    4. When I am tired or stressed, this is time when my ASD traits are most likely to appear

    Getting a diagnosis and taking ownership of my ASD has been one of the most beneficial events in our relationship as we have been able to re-establish what works well for us.

    Our main rules are:

    1. Our relationship is based upon nurotypical model, (my choice)

    2. One night a week is set aside as date night.  This does not have to be something extra special like a meal out, it could even be something simple like a long walk with the dog or spending an evening gardening together

     3. As soon as I feel overloaded, I am allowed time-out

     4. I am not the ‘child’ in the relationship, so I have taken ownership of my ASD

     5. I must always kiss my wife when I leave for work

    There is the Asperger Couples Workbook by Maxine Aston which we didn’t like, but that may work for you and we did receive some very good informal counselling from vicar friend of ours after the diagnosis, which was of significant help.

  • I'll do my best.  I am a female with Asperger's, although my brain is male gendered according to the tests, so perhaps I may have some useful input.  Just ask me and I'll see what I can come up with!

  • To IntenseWorld:

         I found your advice to be helpful and I kind of came to that conclusion after writing my blog.  I am not perfect and I do not expect him to be. Part of being in a serious relatinship is rolling with the punches.  I can tell by the way he holds me and wants to spend time with me, that he loves me dearly.  I decided to try to learn more about his way of communicating and to tell him directly what I want or how I am feeling.  I have made the typical mistake of assuming he knows how I feel.  How is he to know if I do not tell him?  

         I know he loves me and we both want this to work. I am trying to redirect my way of thinking right now to better understand him.  I may even learn more about myself during the process.  

         Again, I appreciate the advice and any more that you may have down the road as him and I explore this together.

  • You need to be able to get used to his way of being, whether he is autistic or not.  He is who he is, and if you cannot accept that then it will never work.

    You could spell out what expectations are in a relationship, so that he knows, but that doesn't mean he will find it easy or be able to fulfill those expectations.

    If he is autistic, his brain is wired differently, it's not his fault and he can't rewire his brain.

    Sometimes, people with autism just didn't realise something, so if you haven't told him, then give him a chance by explaining what it is you want or need so that he has the chance to try.  Whatever happens, don't expect him to presume anything, to have an instinct for that stuff or to pick up on hints, veiled suggestions or body language as to what you want.

    One thing I would say, is even if he doesn't show it that doesn't mean he doesn't have the same emotional feelings as someone considered "neurotypical".