Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been thinking recently about masking and the various means that one uses to mask. It has occurred to me, that the use of a ‘passive voice’ in my communication, is a big part of the way I write and speak.
I can remember all the way back to college, that tutors used to comment on my ‘wordiness’, I well-achieved (D*D*D*) in College but kids always used to say “You’re not that smart are you? You just write a lot”. The implication being that I was obscuring my lack of understanding. The more I’ve written, the better I have gotten at writing, but I still write a lot. I find that every now and again I take on a new element of language, but I always write a lot and I never reread, I just speed-write to victory. In my speech I do talk a lot, talking about anything at length and for length, I enjoy getting my thoughts out and enjoy how language is constructed in my head. But I also speak longer words and phrases in a disagreeable situation, to offset any aggressive reaction to my imperative, I find that a great rhetorical-tool can be found in elongated words and phrases and sentences.
I have thought that: Maybe it is because I have enjoy vocabulary but not grammar, or maybe it is because I never formally-learned grammar at school, or maybe I abandoned the ‘active voice’ as a means of non-detection and non-confrontation. It may even have been, a kind-of speed writing that I developed, to safely expose myself to writing and speech.
It has not been the case, that all the individuals that I know (who have an Autism Spectrum Condition), have a circumlocutory communication style. I have known some ASC individuals, to be very literal and active in their communication, and no less intelligent.
So I guess I am just interested to know: How this style of communication sits-with and is experienced by the community? Why the community thinks it occurs? Is it born of the environment and exposure? Is it a repetitive action or an interest? Is it a means of evasion or development? Is it the result of the level of skill attainment?
A year on I understand my point here on my defences, but I don’t really encounter anything but false-smiles these days, I think if I was challenged now by someone on autism it’d be traumatising knockout..
I feel a-little like the male dog in ‘lady and the tramp 2’, which is to say a little out of shape, a little stagnant..
I don't understand what you have written here.
I would like to understand.
Can you put some meat on the bones for me?
I like the fact that you are evidently running through some motions (and emotions) that I faced in my years of 34-43. I believe you are notably younger than I. I think that this age disparity is probably a great thing from your point of view. On the balance of current evidence available to me.....I wish I had been aware of my "autistic predicament" in my early 40's - ie when I realised that there was something DECIDEDLY "other" about me, my feelings, my beliefs, my priorities....and at that point, my notably obscure and unusual history.
One of the most healthy things about this place, in my opinion, is being able to talk with other autistics at various ages and various stages of enlightenment/survival strategy. I love the fact that I feel connected and able to speak with so many, of so many ages, histories and "stages."
Number said:I feel that you are evolving. It isn't always a "positive" experience, but BEING evolved is (in my experience.)
Am agreeing with your wisdom Number.
Fallow times, they seem to me, where the way may seem lost. It seems like nothing is happening, but it is, although you may not see it. Probably won't see it, tbh.
Then it seems like everything suddenly gets moving, but I think that's probably just the next stage in the process. It can take a long time.
I am 34. It may feel at the moment as though I've made progress in my life, but it's typically slow, and so far, there's always been an end point.
But then there's a beginning point too. That's what I've learned.
Thanks Number..
DeSpereaux said: I reached a ceiling of survival needs and I don’t understand the world beyond survival enough to fight with it.
Resonant....greatly resonant.
Thank you for your full explanation - it is appreciated.
Desp......I'm basically double your age. One thing I can say with certainty....you are FAR from being basic.
I feel that you are evolving. It isn't always a "positive" experience, but BEING evolved is (in my experience.)
Don't panic....sit with your sh it for a while and continue to process. I am supremely confident that you will (when you are good and ready) arrive at a better/settled/sanguine place.
If you can stay sane [and BTW, that is no mean feat with cortexes like ours) then I am confident you will grow ever more confident and happy about yourself.
Just my honest opinion, based on the limited (but more than sufficient) evidence available to me.
Lady and the tramp is about a street-mongrel and a house-pedigree, the ‘lady’ in the first movie becomes lost and is rescued by the ‘tramp’, in the end they both fall in love and find a home. In the second movie the ‘tramp’ has to head back-out into the streets on an adventure after years of comfort, he has trouble doing so because he has gotten comfortable, his survival senses have dulled.
My point is that after a lifetime of trying to be neurotypical and masking, I was pretty hot out of the gates when I had been diagnosed, a year in I have fought all the post-diagnosis battles and am resting on those wins. The result is that I feel less-keen, my fear is that I both will fail to fight-further and that I will be caught out, like the ‘tramp’ I’ve gotten soft it would seem.
Furthermore I can feel the encroachment of NT ideals in my daily-life, I don’t really feel ambitious enough to defend my autism, partly because I reached a ceiling of survival needs and I don’t understand the world beyond survival enough to fight with it. I tried a few ambitious-things and I failed due to my own shortcomings, so I feel like I lost my hunger to advance, the world seems to be more fair to me these days, but I’ve failed anyway.
So I guess it is what it is, I may have been in the right place the whole time, I just couldn’t see to the edges of the world’s liability until I was given concession. I can see it was just vanity on my part to think that the world is to blame for my ceiling. Or maybe I’m talking a load of piteous waffle, but one things for sure, the man who wrote this article is not the one writing this reply..
I don’t feel enlightened I feel basic.. I’m 28 btw..