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The great Profile Pages controversy

Steven

ARE THE CONTENTS OF OUR PROFILE PAGES SIGNIFICANT IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS?

My scientific enquiry into the forum's Profile pages struck irrefutable psychological gold. These are the earth-shattering findings of my half-arsed studies:

* Female members write on their Profile pages in a similar fashion to the following: 'Hi, I love everyone, and I'd like to have lots of Friends. I've had a happy life, despite living in the UK.'

* Male members, in contrast, write like: 'I have a PHD in biometalworkometry, but I can't cook without being in the oven. I own a dog called Maximus.'

* Male Profiles are sometimes blank, perhaps because of the difficulty we sometimes have in communicating. Or, as in my case, they assume that their lives and biographies lack interest for the reader. To wit: nothing has ever happened to me and nothing ever will. So I have zero accomplishments to write about; no exaggeration, but I never even achieved a last-place medal on infant-school Sports Day...despite being 36. While I could write a bio, inevitably it would read like the text in my Private Messages: slowly-revolving rubbish, and endless questions about Autism possibly affecting my wi-fi signal.

* Female members' pages frequently feature photos of art they have created, for instance crocheted replicas of Marie Antoinette's pet parrots, while male pages feature song-lyrics of secondhand profundity and homoerotic avatars of Morrissey. And then there's the love letters, written in yearning hope that Queen Sparkly might deign to acknowledge the ardent passions of the authors. In reality, she's occupied with being dragged along the road while clinging to a post van's exhaust as the police try to arrest her smouldering legs.

In conclusion:

1. Male and female members are now going to assassinate me.

2. Queen Sparkly is going to assassinate me.

3. I made up all the research.

4. Something about yoghurt.

Parents

  • OK, some odd things about me. I was once bitten by a monkey, I have been crapped on by rats. For many years I made monthly withdrawals of blood from the Blood Transfusion Service (now called 'Blood and Transplant'), my vampire phase. I have a friend from Junior School who became an actor and was in both Coronation Street and the film Master and Commander. I have a number of walking sticks that I have named: Paddy Malone, Hazel Rah, Sir Arthur and Mystic Am. I once made a jaguar return the feline equivalent of a smile - the slow eye-close - it was a cub, I was in no danger of imminent death. The oldest thing I own dates to around 800BC.

  • in reply to Martin
    Martin said:
    The oldest thing I own dates to around 800BC.

    Cool! What is it?

    I was once bitten by an otter. But I haven't been crapped on by anything more exotic than hamsters and seagulls. I love the jaguar cub smile!

  • in reply to AuTriker

    It is a 'ushabti' of the Egyptian 22nd Dynasty. It is made of blue-green faience and is about 2 inches long. I bought it from a Victorian era private collection that was being sold off.  Ushabtis were figures, looking like mummified men, placed in graves to work for the deceased in the afterlife. Mine is holding a mattock and has a basket over one shoulder, so is equipped to work as a farmer.

  • in reply to AuTriker

    A cabinet with glass doors and lights inside. It contains some Greek and Roman era pottery, mostly from Israel where they allow export of antiquities, as long as they have multiple copies of any artifact type in state collections. Plus some Egyptian amulets and scarabs from the Victorian collection, and a tray of Late Roman and Byzantine coins.

  • in reply to Martin

    I found a belemnite on a beach once as a kid, I was quite chuffed. I used to enjoy fossil hunting. It sounds like you have some interesting collections, like a cabinet of curiosities.

  • in reply to AuTriker

    I have a belemnite I hacked out of Flamborough Head on a Geology field trip, many years ago. I have beautiful little Roman figurine head of Minerva/Athena in a dark red 'burnished' pottery. She is wearing a pushed back Corinthian helmet with a crest. I have seen an identical figurine head online, that was excavated in southern Spain. It was just labelled a 'female head', because the helmet had been broken off and was missing, but it was from the identical mould as mine.

  • in reply to Martin

    That's interesting, I have heard of ushabti. I haven't got anything older than Roman and that's just a bit of broken pot. As man made things anyway; i have a few fossils.

Reply Children
  • in reply to AuTriker

    A cabinet with glass doors and lights inside. It contains some Greek and Roman era pottery, mostly from Israel where they allow export of antiquities, as long as they have multiple copies of any artifact type in state collections. Plus some Egyptian amulets and scarabs from the Victorian collection, and a tray of Late Roman and Byzantine coins.

  • in reply to Martin

    I found a belemnite on a beach once as a kid, I was quite chuffed. I used to enjoy fossil hunting. It sounds like you have some interesting collections, like a cabinet of curiosities.

  • in reply to AuTriker

    I have a belemnite I hacked out of Flamborough Head on a Geology field trip, many years ago. I have beautiful little Roman figurine head of Minerva/Athena in a dark red 'burnished' pottery. She is wearing a pushed back Corinthian helmet with a crest. I have seen an identical figurine head online, that was excavated in southern Spain. It was just labelled a 'female head', because the helmet had been broken off and was missing, but it was from the identical mould as mine.