ARE THE CONTENTS OF OUR PROFILE PAGES SIGNIFICANT IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS?
My scientific enquiry into the forum's Profile pages struck irrefutable psychological gold. These are the earth-shattering findings of my half-arsed studies:
* Female members write on their Profile pages in a similar fashion to the following: 'Hi, I love everyone, and I'd like to have lots of Friends. I've had a happy life, despite living in the UK.'
* Male members, in contrast, write like: 'I have a PHD in biometalworkometry, but I can't cook without being in the oven. I own a dog called Maximus.'
* Male Profiles are sometimes blank, perhaps because of the difficulty we sometimes have in communicating. Or, as in my case, they assume that their lives and biographies lack interest for the reader. To wit: nothing has ever happened to me and nothing ever will. So I have zero accomplishments to write about; no exaggeration, but I never even achieved a last-place medal on infant-school Sports Day...despite being 36. While I could write a bio, inevitably it would read like the text in my Private Messages: slowly-revolving rubbish, and endless questions about Autism possibly affecting my wi-fi signal.
* Female members' pages frequently feature photos of art they have created, for instance crocheted replicas of Marie Antoinette's pet parrots, while male pages feature song-lyrics of secondhand profundity and homoerotic avatars of Morrissey. And then there's the love letters, written in yearning hope that Queen Sparkly might deign to acknowledge the ardent passions of the authors. In reality, she's occupied with being dragged along the road while clinging to a post van's exhaust as the police try to arrest her smouldering legs.
In conclusion:
1. Male and female members are now going to assassinate me.
2. Queen Sparkly is going to assassinate me.
3. I made up all the research.
4. Something about yoghurt.
