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Newly diagnosed at 30

BeagleDad

Let's try this again! Working in technology clearly doesn't mean I know anything about how to use it! Thank you all for noticing and helping with my mistake!

Being told that I am autistic just days before my 30th birthday last December was both relieving, anxiety-inducing and frustrating. I've always been "different" (I hate myself for using that term, suggestions of what I should use would be appreciated!). Having researched autism almost obsessively since this journey started and reading about the traits, behaviours, feelings, etc. of an autistic person leads me to ask the question how if I fit so perfectly into these criteria, how did no one notice? How did it take one astute support worker to meet me for the first time after years of being told I'm just depressed to come to that conclusion? 

However, I have decided to not dwell on those question. I am doing something tonight that I have never done before, I'm reaching out to talk to similarly minded people for the first time in my life.

I work full time as a professional software implementation consultant in London. I own my own home and car. I function and interact with people but I have never been able to retain friends or maintain a relationship. I have thought about why this might be and I think I struggle with recognising how someone else is feeling; tone of voice, facial expression, sarcasm, jokes, etc.. I have always tried to pay a lot of attention to things like this because I have been known to upset people because I am looking at someone in a "funny" way or I've said something in a "rude or negative tone" but I don't realise that these things are happening. I find myself trying very hard to think about facial expression and tone of voice, it's tiring with one-to-one conversation but in large groups it is very difficult to maintain. Can anyone else relate? If so, how do you deal with it?

My other issue is my family try to force me to be social but sometimes, like last weekend after my first full week back at work, I felt like I needed to spend a day on my own just to decompress. They see this as unhealthy but I try to explain that it is necessary otherwise I will struggle to focus on anything. Can anyone else relate to needing to spend time alone? If so, how do you deal with it?

Thank you for reading this, if you've got this far. I very much look forward to speaking with you!

Parents
  • BeagleDad said:
    after my first full week back at work, I felt like I needed to spend a day on my own just to decompress. They see this as unhealthy

    Hi, welcome to the board. :) Thank you for your excellent post.

    Regarding the section I've quoted...I'm just astonished at their reaction (though fellow autists won't be *surprised* by it - we're used to nonsensical attitudes being inflicted on us). Their reaction is surely either illogical - it's like telling someone who's run a marathon that they don't need to catch their breath because doing so would be bad for them - or else it's code for 'We want you to socialise with us, regardless of how your feeling'. In this, it's *them* who need to learn social niceties, not the autist: considerate, caring behaviour & attitudes regarding people with difficulties are as much a foundation of social relations as a night in the pub or dinner with the family.

  • in reply to Steven

    Hello, thank you for your response!

    I have never felt understood nor have I ever felt like they ever want to understand. I have always said to them even before being diagnosed formally that spending time alone is something that they need to accept even if they don't understand why. My behaviour has actually let to a lot of upset within my family and although I apologise for it, I never feel like I should have to. In fact, I apologised just yesterday after not being spoken to by certain members of the family who had been distinctly upset that I needed to spend some time on my own last Sunday. I'm not sure exactly how I tackle this, invoking change in them is going to be pretty difficult.

Reply
  • in reply to Steven

    Hello, thank you for your response!

    I have never felt understood nor have I ever felt like they ever want to understand. I have always said to them even before being diagnosed formally that spending time alone is something that they need to accept even if they don't understand why. My behaviour has actually let to a lot of upset within my family and although I apologise for it, I never feel like I should have to. In fact, I apologised just yesterday after not being spoken to by certain members of the family who had been distinctly upset that I needed to spend some time on my own last Sunday. I'm not sure exactly how I tackle this, invoking change in them is going to be pretty difficult.

Children
  • in reply to BeagleDad

    Thanks for the reply. It's great to have you amongst us.  :)

    I wonder why so many family members (generally-speaking) can't take the personal out of situations like yours? Your needing time alone isn't a reflection on them - it's about you. Why can't neurotypical people understand this? Or do they simply not want to?