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Embarrassment following meltdown

Oakling

This morning I went  to the opticians for the first time in years. It was all a bit much. Massive sensory overload to start my day with.

One thing then happened out of the order I was expecting it to at home when I got back and I lost my temper with myself. It all happens so fast in those moments.

Now I’m sporting a bruised forehead and nursing myself through the embarrassment of not handling a normal mundane interaction yet again. I’d love to not do this to myself anymore, but it catches me by surprise every time.

In hindsight, I probably should have seen if there were any adaptations that could have been made for me, but I convinced myself not to once again. 

Not looking for anything in particular by posting this, just trying to move away from the incident positively rather than dwelling on it and thought writing about it might help me to do that.

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  • 'Embarrassment following meltdown'

    At last - a subject I actually know something about...

    I am sorry to read of your trouble, CG. Please try not to be too down on yourself; in my experience, that doesn't really help a person, or those who care about them.

  • in reply to Steven

    I’ve been on this journey once or twice myself too. 

    Thanks for relating though (if that’s even the right thing to say, perhaps I’m being insensitive without meaning to). 

    Im trying not to be too down on myself, but that is an area I could definitely do with working on. I often worry about my loved ones when I’m in a slump after a tricky time. Hopefully I’ll be better tomorrow.

  • in reply to Oakling

    Yep. I am constantly trying to explain to others why I behave as I do, not as an excuse or defence, but fundamentally a) because, despite tons of possible clues, I am a mystery to myself - I'm lost and bewildered, and b) because it's surely further episodes of over-thinking. The very worst aspect of these explanations is that they oblige other people to console, sooth, and basically sideline their own troubles in order to deal with mine. This only makes me feel more guilty...which leads to yet more over-analyses and yet more sidelining. A vicious circle I'm more actively trying to break out of now, instead of dragging others into the loop, as before.

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  • in reply to Oakling

    Yep. I am constantly trying to explain to others why I behave as I do, not as an excuse or defence, but fundamentally a) because, despite tons of possible clues, I am a mystery to myself - I'm lost and bewildered, and b) because it's surely further episodes of over-thinking. The very worst aspect of these explanations is that they oblige other people to console, sooth, and basically sideline their own troubles in order to deal with mine. This only makes me feel more guilty...which leads to yet more over-analyses and yet more sidelining. A vicious circle I'm more actively trying to break out of now, instead of dragging others into the loop, as before.

Children
  • in reply to Oakling

    I wonder if the problem/cause for you, me and Shardovan is that we might not have openly discussed our difficulties until relatively recently? If that is indeed so: maybe we bottled it all up (for whatever reasons)? Maybe we feared a breakdown if we *did* speak in-depth about them? Maybe we simply despaired of ever making our pain truly understood?

  • in reply to Shardovan

    I wrote recently about feeling that there's an observer & a hapless actor element to my thoughts and actions...but, unfortunately, it's not a case of the 'observer' being a wise and sensible elder who steps in to help; more like merely an ever-present self-consciousness (perhaps a little like your inner-commentary?)

  • in reply to Steven

    Understanding and being understood are huge factors to me. I find I can go on for hours in an attempt to feel understood, but in doing so, I then start to worry that I’m either being humoured to shut me up, that I’m over sharing and being a burden on the listener or that I’m somehow taking advantage of someone’s generosity. Sometimes I also worry that people will then use my explanations against me or use them to make fun of me somewhere else down the line (to my knowledge, never happened so I don’t know where this comes from).

    The guilt and worries you describe are definitely something I can relate to. It’s taken me a long time to start opening up, so I think I’m still working on balance.

    I also think that when communication is so hard or you put so much [over]thought into what you’re trying to say, it is important to know that your true intent has been understood. When this doesn’t happen it can be very upsetting. Unfortunately I have experienced this more times that I could possibly count.

  • in reply to Steven

    Wow, I think we might be clones, I’m in exactly that cycle too. I sometimes think of it like I’m doing a commentary track over my own side of a conversation. Constantly signalling self awareness. Then I stop and point out that i know I’m doing it. So that’s layer number three. And the other person has to say ‘not at all, it’s fine’ so focus has been pulled from the organic flow of things. Changing it? I’m not sure about that. Maybe a bit, but would I still be me?