Why are decisions hard?

There's something about autism that defies explanations, even those that can appear self-evident (for instance, a ready explanation for our flawed approaches to decision-making might be the fear of surrendering control).

For sure if one has no feeling about any of the options decisions are almost impossible. I do usually have some feelings relating to the decision or else it doesn't matter. Having alexythymia means it is not always easy to know what those feelings are and thus how to take them into account!

I totally get analysis paralysis too! Although I don't use spreadsheets, just lists.

For purchases I try and narrow the choice as much as possible as it is simpler to choose between 2 or 3 things than 50+ so something like the Which report can be useful. I also like to take into account ethical considerations, though that sometimes results in a decision to not purchase at all, depending on how much the thing is needed.

I have strong feeling related preferences for certain things, like the layout of a house and the location, so I know if it's a no quite quickly. But it can be difficult if they are all no. My experiences of moving house have generally been that only one of the options felt possible, the rest were all no, which made it quite simple.

I guess as for making things worse, failing to decide can be the worst option, which means once the bad options have been eliminated you might as well toss a coin.

It seems my decision making process is not too bad for big decisions, but overwhelming for small ones. As you say, it would be ridiculous to make a spreadsheet for every little decision.

Good one, I sometimes resort to that if I don't care so much about the outcome, or if both options work out equal.

I have real problems with decision making.

I have no concept of how to make a decision based upon instinct or gut feeling. It has to be based upon real facts and actual information. 

I research endlessly, so that often the opportunity for what I am trying to decide has passed and I have missed it by spending too much time researching. I call it analysis paralysis.

I use spreadsheets a lot, to try and help me decide between various options. Say I need to buy a fridge freezer I will set up a spreadsheet with all the model numbers, prices, energy rating, capacity, size, number of drawers and much more... Seeing the options presented in a logical way can help my brain to compare and decide. However some things are variable, such as pricing and stock levels. If there are too many variables it becomes confusing for me and I can't decide.

However for me the bigger decisions are definitely harder than the smaller everyday ones. I can decide what to have for dinner without needing to plot out all the options on a spreadsheet!

For the really big decisions, like moving house, I tend to become so overwhelmed by the options that's it's easier to do nothing. I think a large part of the difficulty is my fear of making the wrong decision and making things worse.

I forgot - my solution - If I can't I make someone else do it for me

NAS73180 said:

if i  am experiencing something it seems like the most important thing in the universe. 

Yes! This is a good description! I think that is why stepping away, even briefly, can help put the thing in perspective.

Turning it over to God definitely helps too, although I still have to make the decision...

Thanks, that was a useful reply.

I’m not sure why decisions are difficult.
For me I don’t know enough to make a ‘perfect’ decision.
if i  am experiencing something it seems like the most important thing in the universe. 

Thus, even a decision - when experiencing it - seems like most important thing in the universe. 
I feel overwhelmed about making a decision - it seems momentous and too much responsibility.

The question is: ‘do I have the capacity to somehow, using mind body imagination, whatever, to Turn over the stress, or problem’ to any agency real or imaginary or which might help me.  Doing that is either worth the risk of it working or not. 

Thank you!  I worked as a barista for a while, so I write what I know. ;)  I also enjoy lattes, so that's what he ended up with in the story.  And I'm sure he'd be able to miraculously recycle the lids.

Yes you're so right it is hard finding the right answer. It's a very stressful process trying to work a decision. 

That's very well written as well as accurately expressing the feelings! Although, not being an angel, I would be more upset over the waste, as takeaway coffee cups bother me, especially the lids... ;)

I do like some of the choice with coffee though, although the terminology can be confusing. I like a milky coffee, not too hot, no froth, but latte sometimes has too much froth (it shouldn't have much or it would be a cappuccino) but apparently flat white doesn't have as much milk... and I do not want more than one shot but some places automatically put two even in a small. At home I just have instant!

That would depend how not right for me it was. Even when impaired I won't do certain things. I am almost immune to peer pressure, it depends whether I see them as my peers and whether or not I want to do thing and just need encouragement or it is just a thing I will not do. But sometimes I go along with a thing either not knowing enough or not being able to get out of it.

That's cool. With my husband if I need more time either to make a decision or just to process I make small circles with my finger in front of my face to mimic the circle you get on a pc or tv when it's buffering! He can relate to that more than to words as he is a computer person, also it saves me having to words when I am processing.

What, you mean there are people who don't read the whole menu several times?!! If I have been before and liked what I had last time I usually just have that again. But a new place can be tough. Many things I can just dismiss, so I read through going no, no, noway, maybe, no, no, maybe, ooh maybe that one but only if I can get it without the peas... (why do they all come with peas?!)

Fabric too! Can be even worse because it has to be cut! I have a set of simple patterns I have developed so it ought to be easy, but there are other issues with sewing, like having space on the cutting table and energy to complete the project. At least I can crochet in bed and while watching telly!

I had some bulbs. Some of them got planted. The rest are probably sadly dried out and dead by now. Yours will be happier planted even if they later get dug up by accident! But maybe wait until this cold snap is over...

Getting dressed - oh I went through a phase where that was sooo hard and such a trigger it went on my PIP form even though that was mostly focused on my physical disability. Lockdown made that easier, just PJs all the time except for cycling! Hmm, that will become a problem again if and when we dehermitise...

Detail and need to do things right, yes! I'm not actually afraid to get things wrong so much, with learning one has to try things and get them wrong, whether its learning to knit or a language. But the urge and drive to get it right is what pushes me through the getting things wrong part. And as I was musing, it can depend on the consequences. With hypersensitivities the consequences of making a wrong clothing choice are more severe for us.

I don't even love routine (ADHD!) but I do find it useful to have some so I don't have to decide so much.

I think what makes a decision hardest is not so much how important it is as whether there is an obvious answer, as you said. It might be nicer choosing between two equally good things than two equally bad ones, but it is so much easier to choose between a good thing and a bad thing! If they are evenly balanced, the two good things choice can be almost as difficult as the two bad things once and thus not entirely enjoyable even though either outcome would be positive. What makes it even worse though is if there are unknown variables so one cannot even truly assess how good or bad each option would be. I guess a job offer would like that as there are always unknowns.

Ann :) said:

I think one of the reasons taking decisions is so hard is because I think about lots of pros and cons and possible consequences and outcomes etc

Yes! My husband says I always overcomplicate things. I say it is not me doing it, the complications are inherently there, I am just noticing them and pointing them out. I think if one had an instinctive reaction, favouring one option or another, one should note that and bear it in mind as a factor, but not necessarily go with it unless one had a good track record of one's instinct being reliable. I think such feelings are the right brain, whereas the analysing is left brain (or whatever the current theory is, those terms are just shorthand) but a person might be better at one or the other so unless one knows which one is better at then it seems good to use both. But if one doesn't even have a feeling about it then logic is the only recourse.

We have done a thing like your number list when making family decisions (like if husband and I are on holiday with my Dad and we are deciding what to do on a day for example) where we each rate the options out of ten and then combine scores. So if I want to cycle 10, go to the beach 5 and go to a museum 7 while husband wants to cycle 0, go to the beach 7 and the museum 5 we would be tied but it wouldn't be cycling. But add in Dad and if he wants the beach 10, the museum 6 and cycling 2 it would be the beach. Unless it rained... Our holidays are fun! Haha. Not sure i could mark out of 100, that is too nuanced and i would end up vacillating over whether a thing was 57 or 58... It's good that you can do the numbers so readily!

My Dad has diet issues too, it can be complicated, and we try to be healthy, but your issues sound more difficult to break out from. I would get bored on such a restricted diet (ADHD to the rescue! Haha). I have the same breakfast and the same lunch but different to breakfast, and I sometimes get bored of my lunch as it is a bit dull. For dinner we have a set of meals we pick between, depending on what is in stock, what is fresh, what husband (the cook) can be bothered to do and lastly how we feel. 

Yes, nice to know we are not alone, though not a club I would recommend! :)

Also, this is a segment I wrote when I was writing Good Omens fanfic to explore how I'm affected by autism.  It felt like a good description of how I feel about decisions... 

The coffee shop was noisy and busy. Aziraphale didn't mind that so much when he was well rested. Having to wait in a queue gave him more time to look at the boards and decide what he wanted.

It was the making decisions part that he found most stressful. He tended to frequent restaurants he knew well, so he could think about it before he went. That's why he enjoyed the sushi bar- the owner knew what he liked, and he didn't even have to ask anymore.  

His eyes scanned the board. When did coffee stop being just coffee? And the different sizes were utterly perplexing. He stood frozen for a minute, as his train of thought came to a screeching halt and fell off completely off the tracks. He didn't even notice Crowley saying his name. The light touch on his shoulder startled him.

"Aziraphale? Still with me?"

"Oh, um…" Bother. His mind was still juggling options and didn't have enough leftover to form a reply.

"More cocoa? Vanilla latte? Cappuccino with extra froth?"

The words were just extra water being poured into an already overflowing bucket. Aziraphale's eyes got stuck on the way the light caught the edge of his sunglasses and stared blankly.

A small crease appeared in the centre of Crowley's brows and then vanished. He turned to the barista. "I'll take a large Americano with an extra shot, vanilla- no, caramel latte, small, small cappuccino, and a small hot chocolate with all the cream and extra trimmings. All to take away. Oh, and a macaroon." He looked back at Aziraphale and grinned.  

Neither of them said anything as they waited, nor as they walked to the park, but Crowley seemed strangely pleased with himself, holding the cardboard tray of beverages balanced on his fingertips. They found their usual bench and sat down.

"Are we expecting company?" Aziraphale asked.

"Nah, I could just see the panic brewing behind your eyes, and decided the easiest way to deal with it was just to get a bit of everything so you could try them all and choose what you like best."

"Isn't that wasteful?"

Crowley made a sound that was mostly extended vowels. "Not that I'm bothered about that kind of thing, being evil and all, but if you need reassurance I could argue not, if it saves you distress and means you'll be able to make an easier decision next time I take you out."

Oh i love that! Thats nice you have code to let him know. I think sometimes with other people, due to masking, I make decisions which aren't right for me. But it's like you only have so much time so just have to go along with something. 

Yes, figuring out the "right" answer is hard! Especially if there is no right answer. I don't even find it helpful when my husband says just go with how you feel - if I have alexythymia I don't even know how i feel!! I also try to avoid them, but it is not always possible.

I always postpone a decision as long as possible unless I am certain! If I am certain I will usually act unless it is the sort of decision which benefits from a delay just in case...

My Dad likes to say that deciding to postpone a decision is still making a decision, which i sometimes find annoying!

I don't know why, but they are so very hard. And they are even harder when I'm feeling stressed.  

There was an episode of Coupling where Steve is forced to express an opinion about cushions, even though he doesn't really have one, and comes out with the phrase "I'm undecided about stripes."  I now use this as a code phrase with my partner for when I'm struggling with a decision.

I can empathise with a lot of this altho not necessarily food. However I do have to read ALL the menu several times before making a decision if I go out. I can relate to the wool as I have got loads of fabric which I can't decide what to do with. Quite why, I don't know. But I feel because there are too many options it's hard to whittle down. Some of it might be fear of making the wrong choice or it might be wanting to do what's best. I've got lots of unplanted bulbs which need to go in the ground asap but I haven't done it cos there's too much choice,  I don't want to end up digging them up by accident in future and I don't want them to get lost amongst everything in spring but as I type this I realise there will be NO FLOWERS AT ALL if they stay in their packets!! Some things like choosing stuff for the house I can do quite quickly.  Sometimes deciding something for work takes ages but I'm learning to just get on with it and that'll do. Sometimes I just don't know where to start because too much choice.  I have one pair of regular shoes, one pair of jeans and one coat. This makes deciding what to wear a bit easier at least. Sometimes deciding what to say or which word to use takes a lot of power as there are different ways to convey information.

I think because we are detail orientated we like to have all the info to build a picture before making a choice. My friend seems to make choices on a whim then agonises over it afterwards. I am the opposite. But there are some decisions in life you just have to jump in with. In my CBT it was talked about fear of doing things wrong but I'm inclined to say I think it's more of a need to do things right.