Funny moments of realisation

Unknown said:

I understand perfectly what you mean.

I’ve not communicated particularly well in my face-to-face interactions today. Lots going on- one of those days. It’s nice to know that I’ve managed to say what I’d hoped for here.

There is a lot of hiding my confusion. Rather, there was. I’m starting to ask a lot more now. The diagnosis sort of gave me the go ahead to start asking. I know I shouldn’t have felt like I had to wait, but it felt like that bit of paper gave me the right to start asking all of a sudden (if you consider 2 years later to be sudden!).

Im keen to learn more. I get a lot from the people on here, but I will look into the course you recommended. I certainly feel I’m more forgiving of myself now, but I’m also aware that I’ve still got a long way to go. My understanding of autism and myself as an autistic person is in its infancy, or at least my reflections on life pre-diagnosis are.

Unknown said:

Pre diagnosis, I hadn't really gone through life feeling I had a deficit but I had felt different and still do. I did often feel I was the problem or why couldnt I do it like everyone else. The narrative around autism is that of deficits when it should be about difference. 

This is something I can relate to as well. Different rather than deficit is how I saw / see myself. A narrative shift is definitely in order. Perhaps we, collectively speaking, will be the driving force behind that change.

Right and wrong is very important to me. I’ve been applying my logic to a particular situation at work that has been bothering me, but when speaking to my wife, I realise that the situation cannot be assessed that way, as others aren’t necessarily applying logic to the decisions that they are making. Or at least not in the way I see it anyway. Some things just don’t bother other people and genuinely aren’t on their radars. Perhaps this is one just to let go. 

Please don’t feel like you have to stop your thought process on my behalf though, I’ve genuinely enjoyed reading your comments here. Very relatable stuff. Of course, I’ll respect your choice to leave it there too though. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more, whenever that will be.

I understand perfectly what you mean. I think being a female, or just naturally how I am, I am able to get away with not understanding some things and there's also heavy masking. But a lot of the confusion gets internalised. It might be different for others. The misunderstandings seems to come (and blow up) only with certain people. I would really recommend the course on Futurelearn about autism. This is where I learnt a lot about double empathy and its really changed how I see myself and others. It just means I can let go of things more now. And also not be hard on myself or get as frustrated with others. 

Pre diagnosis, I hadn't really gone through life feeling I had a deficit but I had felt different and still do. I did often feel I was the problem or why couldnt I do it like everyone else. The narrative around autism is that of deficits when it should be about difference. 

I have other ideas about how our need for things to be right can impact on communication or interactions but I'll end up going off on one so I'll leave it there (for now!).

Unknown said:

processing time needed to work out what's going on

I think this has been one of my primary thoughts on the matter in the past. I’ve constantly felt confused by the actions of those around me (perhaps that is a slight exaggeration, but I’m not sure it is sometimes), so therefore I think my confusion is a result of me misunderstanding, not others. I think it stems from the very poor view I have of myself. My self-esteem is very low. It always has been. People say nice things to me, but I just can’t see it. I tend to blame myself first in scenarios of misunderstanding. This is something, with a growing understanding of double empathy, that I am working on. Perhaps this will then have the knock in effect of increasing my sense of self worth. Who knows.

I also wonder if it feels more morally ‘right’ to me, to shoulder responsibility if a situation is confusing. It almost seems like the polite thing to take the burden of not understanding, rather than causing embarrassment to someone else. This is an example of my quite fixed mindset on right and wrong I think. It’s quite a misplaced worry in hindsight. Another thing I’m working on. 

I think if you spend so long on the peripheries observing confusing situations, you can’t help but wonder who is misunderstand what. It’s easy to form the conclusion, being the common denominator, that the confusion lies with me. This isn’t written very well, so perhaps what I’m trying to get across won’t translate, but I’m not managing to word it in any other way at the minute.

But, as you say

Unknown said:

now I understand about double empathy,  it's no one's "fault" it's just the situation.

This is where I’m heading now. It’s a much healthier mindset to hold. It’s going to take discipline and practice for me to internalise it though, as I’m very much used to being quite hard on myself.

What are yoyr thoughts? For me, I think it comes from not being able to stand up for myself but also processing time needed to work out what's going on and people pleasing. And that I'm used to accepting it. Now I recognise it more, I am learning to be more assertive! Also now I understand about double empathy,  it's no one's "fault" it's just the situation.

Wording is better if it's specific. I'm quite a good communicator but I think it's more a polite directness that I have. Vagueness and change of context throw me.

Well that was a very entertaining video. A great recommendation! I found myself both laughing and feeling a little less alone at the same time. Many of the difficulties expressed are things I can relate to, but the humour of it all helps to see that those things are to be embraced, not feel embarrassed about.

If people ask "are you alright?" I like to reply "no, I'm half left!" And if they say "What's up?" I say "the sky" or "the ceiling" if indoors. I find it useful to have funny deflecting answers for what I can find an awkward question, as people rarely actually want to know the details of how one is really feeling.

idk what to say tbh but this sometimes happen i can't look at people's faces directly like whenever i'm out on appointments i don't look at their face directly especially sometimes when i meet or talk to my mentor in college i look at their shoes or theigh or idk something else but yeah it's hard for me to look at people's faces yeah idk why though . 

Ausomely Autistic said:

Great discussion starter

Thank you. It has been very interesting to read accounts from other forum members. All very relatable stuff as far as I’m concerned.

I’ll take a look at the video and get back to you. You have recommended several videos and books to me so far, each of them being a valuable addition to some growing understanding and insight. Thanks for another.

Ausomely Autistic said:

There is so much information on someone’s face, it is easier to look away sometimes.

This can definitely feel overwhelming at times. Especially if there is a lot going on in the peripheries.

Unknown said:

However I always feel its me who shoulders it.

This I can most definitely relate to. I’d like to know why I feel this way- I have some thoughts on the matter, but nothing conclusive as of yet.

In response to your two examples, I could very much picture myself in both of them. The bouncing round of conversations is something I don’t respond brilliantly to (in terms of keeping up). I often refer to it as a sensation of whiplash, jerking from one conversation to another. Likewise, wording can be tricky to decode sometimes too.

Great discussion starter. I have had many autistic moments mainly a result of my literalism. For example, before my mum commented that a table was solid, so I replied ‘well it wouldn’t be liquid would it?’ Why do neurotypical people make such obvious statements and then expect a non literal answer? Sometimes my own literalism makes me laugh.

Also another autistic moment, I like to answer when people ask the rhetorical, nonsensical question that is ‘What am I like?’ People find it funny and unexpected when I reply with ‘you are like yourself.’ It’s true though, you can’t be anyone else other than yourself - obviously I understand masking though.

Oakling said:

In this moment we had to say the first thing someone would notice when looking at someone’s face for the first time. Everyone, of course, said eyes. I on the other hand was the only person to have a different answer, which was nose.

Yes exactly why would you stare in to someone else’s jelly balls? (In reference to the autistic comedy video below). I hope our different autistic responses make people think about how to see the world differently. In response to your situation above, I would probably reply with they have changed their hair or they are wearing a tiny bit of makeup that they don’t usually.

https://youtu.be/zF_dWW6nX8k
I hope you find the video funny.

Oakling said:

We laughed after, because it was another example of me avoiding looking at someone’s face. 

There is so much information on someone’s face, it is easier to look away sometimes.

Your reaction to closing the door would have been mine. Why do neurotypicals talk about one thing and then expect you to get a comment about something new and unrelated? 

Your last paragraph is very true. It used to be said by someone "come on, put two and two together". First this used to make me feel I was stupid.  Secondly I thought it was their problem.  Now I know it's probably a good dose of the doubly empathy problem. However I always feel its me who shoulders it.

I walked through the downstairs door once from the daughty hall. As i just did, my partner asked "can you shut the door, it's cold" so I did. But he didn't mean the one I walked through,  he meant the back door that was open to the outside. I asked how I was supposed to know he meant the one I hadn't just walked through. But apparently it was obvious which door he meant. I don't know if some of it is just general communication between 2 people or man/woman but I've had other instances too elsewhere which have required a leap of faith and double processing in order to get through it.

Talking to someone about a particular topic for a few mins then she said "so what have you got going on?" she meant in relation to the topic but I didn't know if she had just meant in my general life. I turned to my partner who instinctively knew I was confused and he filled the gap.

That is literally the sweetest. She sounds lovely and it's nice she understands you. Don't think I'll ever find someone who understands me.

I really enjoyed reading that :) 

I did find reading this message to be another one of those instances where you reflect on what you read and see yourself in it. I too can take things quite literally, or if I miss the prompts, assume I’m having a different conversation to the one the other party is having.

I was involved in an online meeting with a few other people in a similar job role to myself. The person leading the meeting asked us to come up with an idea in response to a certain question. We all did so. After, they turned to the first person and directly asked what their response was, we all listened, they turned to the next person and directly asked what their response was. I was rehearsing my response, as I do in these moments. They then turned to me and asked “So how are you doing?” This, not only was different wording to what I’d prepared myself for, but in my eyes was a totally different question. I didn’t know how to reply at that point and everything went out of my head as I battled the urge to explain how I was, emotionally, in response to the wording of their question, rather than what I anticipated the question to be. Rather than asking how I was doing, they were asking, how are you doing in response to the question. I had to ask for confirmation of what I was actually being asked in the end. I get the impression that they thought I was either unprepared or that I wasn’t listening properly. All resolved in the end, but for me, wording is quite helpful, so the more specific you can be, the better.

Although, the burden of understanding, considering communication is a two way thing, doesn’t lie solely with me in this instance. As is quite possibly the case with the example you mentioned. Very interesting to read though, so thanks for your reply.

Similar thing with the local BBC radio station here (which I don't listen to except when my parents have it on) which has this five-note jingle/logotone that accidentally matches exactly the first five notes of the music (a library track called Space Adventure) that they used for the Cybermen in the late1960s. Again, the 'blank' is compulsively filled in (not aloud like!) and then the earworm is in place for the rest of the day. 

Some ATMs do this wee three note 'here's your money' noise. At some point I noticed it is the first three notes of a famous Mexican (?) tune - that one everyone knows but can't name- and my brain compulsively fills in the rest, even though I hate it.   

I think this one sort of fits. I called I with my parents for dinner yesterday. While I'm doing the dishes, my mum walks in and says 'how's it going with your bed?' I said 'The new electric blanket's working out pretty well thanks'. She looked at me in an 'are you taking the piss?' way, and I stood for a few seconds trying to work out why. Then I realised she meant the back room bunkbeds (the previous houseowner left them and they were useful for occasional nephew stay-overs for a time) that I'd spent a not inconsiderable amount of time the day before partially dismantling with an allen key and screwdriver. And hammer! 

I don't know whether it was that the singular 'bed' vs plural 'bunkbeds' just automatically deleted the way more relevant thing from my mind, but a touch of over-literality does seem to leave me prone to missing the obvious sometimes. The flipside is that I sometimes get to see round corners on other things in ways most people don't. Though that can hurt as much as it helps, there is less blissful ignorance to be had in life. 

I found that moving around while speaking helped me a lot. Standing still at a podium was much more stressful.

I sometimes do that with the microwave.

I used to like making a noise in tune with the old hoover and then harmonising it.