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No desire to please others when there is nothing in it for me.

Hope

I am a strange contradiction. On the one hand I like to work hard, 'do the right thing', and I am very conscientious in a work situation. I do lots of volunteering, as well as having a part-time paid job. I  am always polite in public, hold the door open to people, say please and thank you, and follow the rules of basic etiquette.  If I see some money or pretty objects left on the ground, I take them straight to the Council offices; I could never contemplate pocketing them.

However, in private, I am very different. I can be quite rude at home, around those close to me; not intentionally, but because I am allowed to be more 'Asperger' around them - it is safer to be myself.

I compartmentalise my life into public and private spheres, and don't like to please other people, for the pure sake of it, in my private life.

One of my neighbours recently asked me to water the flowers in the communal flat garden, because the elderly lady, who usually waters them, is not very well. This 'well meaning' neighbour does not even live in my block of flats, but she helps the old lady do her shopping. I unwittingly 'agreed' to water the plants, but only because she made it very hard for me to say no, and immediately thanked me profusely. Today, she asked me if I had watered them, and I said that I have been very busy and have not  had the time. She expressed concern that the flowers would die, and encouraged me to water them. Annoyingly I volunteer at the same charity shop as her, so I cannot avoid her meddling.

I don't want to water the communal flowers because I don't own the flowers in a private sense, and I would not enjoy watering them. I enjoy watering my own flowers, because I have bought them, and they are part of myself. I am very egocentric and feel no need to please these people.

This 'neighbour' , while very nice, is also meddling, nosy, and bossy. I hate being told what to do when I am not at work.

  • Hope, pretend in your mind you do not know the old bat,, therefore you blessed with not knowing the details of her life. Be ignorance of her and ignore her,, she does not exist. Wink

  • Sound words of wisdom, autismtwo. You have to be true to yourself, instead of being a hypocrite; if I watered the flowers but did not really want to do so, I would indeed be a hypocrite.

    This woman has started to really annoy me. If I had my own house (as opposed to a council flat), my neighbour would not tell me to water my own flowers. I would do it myself, because I would have bought them myself, and have a personal connection to them. In any case, I can't deal with change, as I did not have to water them before. Moreover, the more the neighbour nags me, the less inclined I am to water them. She is retired, perhaps with too much time on her hands, and seems to know everything about the area, and all the local gossip. She is not my mother!

     

  • Having Aspie..,, other people who are inflexible, rigid, pushy, intolerant and demanding are a a nightmare.

    Hope this is your choice,,, don't do anything if you do not wish too.

    From an identity persona, model,,, lack of identity makes people guilty shamed into working for other people and makes an empathy. In a true true psychological model,, it is an identity weakness, so when your are around close family, you do not need to feel identity weak, so you can say no easier and have an attitude if you wish. That is why you have three different identity persona's.. one with identity(family strong), one with forming appreciating identity(working outside due to guilt/shame/empathy) and one of depreciating identity, this is the one were you are getting bullied by the boss so you work harder... but it fails and you collaspe into an non-ego(identity) state and get overwhelmed.

    My suggest stuff the flowers up her ! and don't let a bully steal your ego identity with guilt or shame. Pretend she is family and tell her to do it herself. or even better pretend you are jewish ? work for no one