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Emotional day

Soopy05

I am going through pre assessment and now being referred to neuro diverse assessment team via my employers. After a very long time I raised my thoughts with my line manager in recent months and was met with a positive and supportive response. Today I’ve had a review meeting with my line manager and more senior person in the organisation to discuss what’s going on. Again I’ve had much positive feedback however it has been shared with me their observations of my approach to certain situations, which I found extremely painful to hear. From their perspective they feel it makes sense and more than happy to help and support me however in that moment it felt so painful to hear from someone else’s perspective. I have issues with justice and right and wrong and it was pointed out that I struggle to let go of an issue. I know they’re right but hurt so much to hear. I’m finding this process emotional, painful but also having so many penny drop moments. The process of discovery is amazing. I wondered if any other people had feedback from others and how they felt about that ? Thank you in advance 

Parents

  • This is uniquely autistic. We can let go with Resolution. Sometimes the resolve takes time. 

    If an outcome doesn't match our internal vision it creates a lack of resolve. Sometimes it's just hard being in process especially if we can clearly see how a problem is solved.

    Take note of a lack of contiguity / a lack of contiguity. Take note of roles and responsibilities. Some of us here have had difficult mothers, for instance. Mine would weaponise innate desires (to connect with a mother) against me to get what she wanted. The dynamic was confusing most of my life until I read a few books on learning boundaries and how to parent well and pitfalls and such. At some point I realised in horror what was happening. There was a disconnect between my natural desire and her failings for *whatever reason. The gap in this lack of congruity (unmet reasonable desire from someone who's responsibility it was to meet it) caused a Lack of Resolution and it weighed me down causing stress. 

    In other situations I might have noticed my unreasonable expectations of someone who didn't have a role of responsibility like that in my life and I had to readjust my perception to match who they were in relation to me which changed if a resolve mattered. Or what a resolve would look like. 

    You maybe know all of this if you're in social work. But everything is in Relation With. The ones which matter can weigh heavy on us if they're in disrepair. And sometimes create strain on ones which bear less weight. 

    As I was learning to deal with some of these things, I didn't know about autistic wiring. Thankfully, I learned some of our natural wiring is quite valuable, but when undisciplined or unnoticed or not brought to maturity properly, some of it can really work against us.

    *I'm using 'whatever reason' as a placeholder for paragraphs of trauma. It was a abusive, but she has never really gotten the help she's needed.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    I found out that talking openly, including in public, about traumatic events helps,, you could say shifting the burden of it onto someone else.brings relief

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