Feeling more isolated as you grow older.

Since I turned 50 (six years ago) I have started to feel less isolated though I probably have less contact with people than I ever had.  I think one of the worst periods for feeling isolated (apart from school years) was in my 30s when I felt I had to be like other people and not having a “relationship” meant there was “something wrong with me”.   I am fortunate in having three friends, but when I was younger I used to get jealous of other people’s relationships with them and felt I was “less important”. I don’t feel like that now. I feel glad I have any friends and appreciate the time I have with them.  I also have a therapist I pay for support once a fortnight.  I started this (over 10 years ago) when I was in a position where I would be at least a week without exchanging any words with anyone, and two or three weeks for more than the checkout at the supermarket. I just needed someone to talk to about my daily life. Don’t give up hope for a happier future.

I have also found some “academics and wealthier people” very irritating for their arrogance and sometimes right wing views. It is ignorance. The difficulties and struggles that some people have are so far outside the experience of these students that these issues are beyond their imagination. When I worked in a Uni. I resented the confidence these middle-class students exuded, but many of them are not as clever as they think they are.  They have been brought up to think they can have anything they want, but they can’t, so they are heading for disappointment.

It does sound like you need a new interest. In the past few months I have done two courses with ‘coursera’ (which I found out about from this site – thank you). These are free short (6-12 weeks) online courses from usually American Universities. There is an increasing range of subjects and the pre-requisits vary from none to some degree level knowledge. The last one I did needed 1st year undergraduate maths. I found I needed quite a lot more time than they had suggested would be enough so bare that in mind if you have a go.  If you decide you don’t like it, or you don’t have enough time, you are not penalised for giving it up.  I liked the forums as other students are very helpful. It is a very global community.  The other thing I like is having lectures on video because you can stop or pause or repeat.  The two courses were different in methods of assessment the first required either videos that people had to post on youtube or some other platform, or producing a document with text and images which was submitted directly.  We assessed each others work according to a provided rubric. The later course set problems requiring thought or programming (they held our hands with that) and there were either a multiple choice questions or ‘enter a number in a box’ – all of it marked by computer.  As their focus is learning, rather scoring points, you can repeat tests if you have some answers incorrect if you want to. There are also some that require discussion over the internet. It helped me to feel a bit more connected and I enjoyed learning things I didn’t know and solving problems.  I also liked a weekly deadline. See if there is anything that appeals to you.

www.coursera.org/courses

Another point I would like to make is the brain more heavily weights negative experience in memory than positive, because negative may be life threatening.  So I think it is worth trying to notice any positive aspects of being alive, however small, and give them a boost.  I also avoid the news most of the time.  It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but there is rarely much we can do about it. Knowing which variety of “people suffering, often at the hands of others” doesn’t help them and has a depressing effect on the listener, often without awareness.  We have some responsibility for taking what control we can for what our brains take in.

Since I turned 50 (six years ago) I have started to feel less isolated though I probably have less contact with people than I ever had.  I think one of the worst periods for feeling isolated (apart from school years) was in my 30s when I felt I had to be like other people and not having a “relationship” meant there was “something wrong with me”.   I am fortunate in having three friends, but when I was younger I used to get jealous of other people’s relationships with them and felt I was “less important”. I don’t feel like that now. I feel glad I have any friends and appreciate the time I have with them.  I also have a therapist I pay for support once a fortnight.  I started this (over 10 years ago) when I was in a position where I would be at least a week without exchanging any words with anyone, and two or three weeks for more than the checkout at the supermarket. I just needed someone to talk to about my daily life. Don’t give up hope for a happier future.

I have also found some “academics and wealthier people” very irritating for their arrogance and sometimes right wing views. It is ignorance. The difficulties and struggles that some people have are so far outside the experience of these students that these issues are beyond their imagination. When I worked in a Uni. I resented the confidence these middle-class students exuded, but many of them are not as clever as they think they are.  They have been brought up to think they can have anything they want, but they can’t, so they are heading for disappointment.

It does sound like you need a new interest. In the past few months I have done two courses with ‘coursera’ (which I found out about from this site – thank you). These are free short (6-12 weeks) online courses from usually American Universities. There is an increasing range of subjects and the pre-requisits vary from none to some degree level knowledge. The last one I did needed 1st year undergraduate maths. I found I needed quite a lot more time than they had suggested would be enough so bare that in mind if you have a go.  If you decide you don’t like it, or you don’t have enough time, you are not penalised for giving it up.  I liked the forums as other students are very helpful. It is a very global community.  The other thing I like is having lectures on video because you can stop or pause or repeat.  The two courses were different in methods of assessment the first required either videos that people had to post on youtube or some other platform, or producing a document with text and images which was submitted directly.  We assessed each others work according to a provided rubric. The later course set problems requiring thought or programming (they held our hands with that) and there were either a multiple choice questions or ‘enter a number in a box’ – all of it marked by computer.  As their focus is learning, rather scoring points, you can repeat tests if you have some answers incorrect if you want to. There are also some that require discussion over the internet. It helped me to feel a bit more connected and I enjoyed learning things I didn’t know and solving problems.  I also liked a weekly deadline. See if there is anything that appeals to you.

www.coursera.org/courses

Another point I would like to make is the brain more heavily weights negative experience in memory than positive, because negative may be life threatening.  So I think it is worth trying to notice any positive aspects of being alive, however small, and give them a boost.  I also avoid the news most of the time.  It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but there is rarely much we can do about it. Knowing which variety of “people suffering, often at the hands of others” doesn’t help them and has a depressing effect on the listener, often without awareness.  We have some responsibility for taking what control we can for what our brains take in.