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I'm not shy...but I still don't like myself.

Liv

Hi everyone,

Sometimes it bothers me that, in spite of having Asperger's, I don't fit the commonly thought of Aspie characteristic of being withdrawn, quiet and having obvious social anxiety. Instead, my anxiety causes me to come across as affected, loud, brash, "manic", too bubbly, and sometimes even a bit arrogant. People describe me as a "lovie" and a "drama queen" (even though I am a useless actress, much to my despair) and these aren't characteristics of the condition at all. 

It bothers me because, if I was withdrawn and expressed my anxiety by closing up, maybe people would be more sympathetic to what I go through. Many people are actually very unsympathetic, and I can't help but feel it's because I'm such a dislikable, dishonest person. I know the only way to fix it is to act more like myself, but I can't seem to do that - especially around my peers, I get scared into acting like the persona I have created. And this is also not an Aspie characteristic...don't Aspies always act like themselves, because they're so honest they don't see the point in acting like anyone else?

It really does upset me because I feel like I'm locked up and physically cannot act like myself, but also know that the persona I have created is not an attractive one.

Any advice?

Thanks for reading. I know it's silly.

Liv x

  • I sympathise totally! I've spent my life learning how to pretend, feeling like a liar the whole time, terribly anxious about being found out.. I suffered an Aspie burnout/breakdown thingy a year ago, so people know now and I can't change that.. everythings different now, strangely disaster is followed by a new life, new opportunities I must make mine.

    Learn to love yourself! That's important; it took years, but I've learned to like myself (work in progress) and I feel so much better, more in control. It's in your power to make a bad time a better one.

  • Lack of identity than persona is more the issue for mini-me. I feel, like I am stuck in a world which is an illusion, I see people through there eyes, it is scary, I feel them inside, it is like drinking a cup of poison but not dying. It is as if I SHOULD NOT BE HERE or that part of me,, is already elsewhere.

  • I act a part all the time - I don't know who the real me is. When I try and explain this to so called 'neurotypicals', they say that they act a part too, in different situations; but they are not describing the same thing. Essentially, they have a coherent sense of self and a clear identity, at least most of the time. I don't have a clear identity, and most of the time I feel superficial and fake. I try hard not to speak my mind in public but to be all secretive in order to fit in and act like a social person. If I were to be myself in public, people would notice how egotistical, self centred, and childish I really am. My parents see my real self, and if I am with someone for a very long time, eventually they will see my real self too. This is because my fictitious self eventually falls apart because it is so tiring to maintain, and this is why I can't socialise for that long without getting tired.

     

  • Liv said:

    I know the only way to fix it is to act more like myself, but I can't seem to do that - especially around my peers, I get scared into acting like the persona I have created. And this is also not an Aspie characteristic...don't Aspies always act like themselves, because they're so honest they don't see the point in acting like anyone else?

    Whilst I far prefer to be honest and act who I am, I'm also smart enough to know that I have to pretend sometimes.  Much as I hated living a lie, if I'd been honest about being gay in school I'd never have come out alive!  It's never ideal but there are times when pretending is perfectly understandable, and/or necessitated by society's failings.  Not fitting common Aspie stereotypes could also be as much evidence of how wrong a lot of what people think about Aspies is as due to any pretending or anything on your part.

    Zem