• Replies 11 replies
  • Subscribers 42 subscribers
  • Views 5810 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Losing at a game.

NAS80182

How can I help my grandson he has Adhd, autism, SPD and may have Odd and if he loses at a game he has a major breakdown. He plays for a Sunday football team and when he loses he kicks off(not all the time) this can be very severe. It can include him swearing at his manager or other players, hitting the ground, screaming, shouting and just generally ignore adult interventions. We have tried everything we can to help him but nothing is working. He is an excellent footballer with real passion for the game. At the minute his manage will only let him train due to his really bad behaviour at a tournament where he lost to another team from his actual club. Please help we are out of ideas. 

Parents

  • Most likely he just has to go through it, unfortunately. I'm assuming he's always been like this, as usually kids with these traits need to be read classic stories where the protagonist experiences a lot of defeat and very few wins. They are typically perfectionists and might have incredible vision at what they can become, which is only frustrated by where they are at and the steps it might take to reach their potential.  

    The autistic-wired brain will feel every defeat with extreme impact. This is normal and part of autism. Sensory impact, emotional and psychological are not just difficult or impossible to filter or dull, but the intensity of them is severe. I cannot stress this enough. This is something worth discussing with him. Most NeuroTypical individuals do not experience sensory (psychological / emotional / physical) impact like this. It doesn't make it any less valid, it means when he loses, to take it out on a run, go to the gym, to dismiss himself from everyone immediately in order to be mindful not to take it out on others. If he can do this and is not forced into pleasantries, those can eventually come as he matures. But first he needs to learn a hard boundary, especially if he's not aware how he's impacted is far more severe than others, he might experience added frustration that no one else cares as much as he does - he may think he's carrying the weight of the team which adds resentment. He needs to learn it's OK to feel and be angry, just not be cruel. And to leave. Immediately. In a year or so, he may be able to breathe through a few goodbyes and head to the gym. 

    It's also good for him to be around mentors (parents, uncles, teachers) who are realistic about defeat, who can laugh at failure, and talk openly about things which are harsh realities of life. We all can use role models who are genuinely humble about their shortcomings and limitations and show us how to redirect fury, frustration or heartbreak into something that builds character. 

Reply

  • Most likely he just has to go through it, unfortunately. I'm assuming he's always been like this, as usually kids with these traits need to be read classic stories where the protagonist experiences a lot of defeat and very few wins. They are typically perfectionists and might have incredible vision at what they can become, which is only frustrated by where they are at and the steps it might take to reach their potential.  

    The autistic-wired brain will feel every defeat with extreme impact. This is normal and part of autism. Sensory impact, emotional and psychological are not just difficult or impossible to filter or dull, but the intensity of them is severe. I cannot stress this enough. This is something worth discussing with him. Most NeuroTypical individuals do not experience sensory (psychological / emotional / physical) impact like this. It doesn't make it any less valid, it means when he loses, to take it out on a run, go to the gym, to dismiss himself from everyone immediately in order to be mindful not to take it out on others. If he can do this and is not forced into pleasantries, those can eventually come as he matures. But first he needs to learn a hard boundary, especially if he's not aware how he's impacted is far more severe than others, he might experience added frustration that no one else cares as much as he does - he may think he's carrying the weight of the team which adds resentment. He needs to learn it's OK to feel and be angry, just not be cruel. And to leave. Immediately. In a year or so, he may be able to breathe through a few goodbyes and head to the gym. 

    It's also good for him to be around mentors (parents, uncles, teachers) who are realistic about defeat, who can laugh at failure, and talk openly about things which are harsh realities of life. We all can use role models who are genuinely humble about their shortcomings and limitations and show us how to redirect fury, frustration or heartbreak into something that builds character. 

Children
No Data