Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 8. We found out he was autistic about 4 years ago.
I’m struggling because I feel more like his carer/parent than his wife and he does very little at home. Tonight things were such a mess I said I’d get fish and chips for dinner and we could eat it in the garden. When I got back, he and our 6 yr old came outside and I started preparing the food to eat. It was a bit tricky as it was balanced on a foot stool but it was okay, he seemed to be getting annoyed, I asked what was wrong and he said he was fine. Once I’d done ours I passed him his so I could prepare our daughters and he just said “but it back down” it came out very bluntly and I got a bit annoyed and said “can you take it so I can do *daughters*” he got more annoyed and started saying about putting it down and it would be gone in a minute when he’d put his condiments on it but quite aggressively. I made a (admittedly grumpy) comment about doing our daughters and he then got angry and shook the open vinegar bottle at my face and told me to “go and fucking die”. Our 6. Year old saw it all.
does anyone else’s partner get really aggressive/angry/say nasty things (like really nasty, personal stuff they know are issues for you). If so, what do you do to cope? I’ve found that over the years I’m turning into a person I don’t like because I get so upset and angry with him that I want to hurt him as much as he hurts me, but that’s not me, I’ve never been like it with anyone else.
I’m just really struggling to cope because I try to be understanding and let so much go but it’s really hard. Everything I try to implement to help us at home etc last a few days maybe weeks because he doesn’t stick to it, for example sorting the house out. Then he’ll get wound up because the place is a mess.
sorry for the ramble, I’m just so lost.
It sounds like things have escalated to the point where the deficit in communication, respectfulness and understanding is gone.
I’d recommend a therapist. He needs to learn to walk away in moments like these.
We need to teach our children matters of respect. In order to do this parents need to understand each other’s limitations and difficulties and learn to help one another. It sounds complex but not irreparable. Once someone is over the limit something has to change.
Almost every relationship I’ve been in I’ve walked away from due to feeling continually devalued, dismissed or even laughed at for having issues being overwhelmed with language and emotions. As a woman it seems NeuroTypical women will be much more tolerant of autistic men. And maybe more understanding. But it sends the wrong message to your daughter and he needs to apologise and fix that but honestly it would fix itself should there be a different exchange between the two of you. Sometimes changing your dynamic erases the memory.