Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 8. We found out he was autistic about 4 years ago.
I’m struggling because I feel more like his carer/parent than his wife and he does very little at home. Tonight things were such a mess I said I’d get fish and chips for dinner and we could eat it in the garden. When I got back, he and our 6 yr old came outside and I started preparing the food to eat. It was a bit tricky as it was balanced on a foot stool but it was okay, he seemed to be getting annoyed, I asked what was wrong and he said he was fine. Once I’d done ours I passed him his so I could prepare our daughters and he just said “but it back down” it came out very bluntly and I got a bit annoyed and said “can you take it so I can do *daughters*” he got more annoyed and started saying about putting it down and it would be gone in a minute when he’d put his condiments on it but quite aggressively. I made a (admittedly grumpy) comment about doing our daughters and he then got angry and shook the open vinegar bottle at my face and told me to “go and fucking die”. Our 6. Year old saw it all.
does anyone else’s partner get really aggressive/angry/say nasty things (like really nasty, personal stuff they know are issues for you). If so, what do you do to cope? I’ve found that over the years I’m turning into a person I don’t like because I get so upset and angry with him that I want to hurt him as much as he hurts me, but that’s not me, I’ve never been like it with anyone else.
I’m just really struggling to cope because I try to be understanding and let so much go but it’s really hard. Everything I try to implement to help us at home etc last a few days maybe weeks because he doesn’t stick to it, for example sorting the house out. Then he’ll get wound up because the place is a mess.
sorry for the ramble, I’m just so lost.
Hi, as an autistic person myself, I'd urge you not to accept abusive behaviour as a necessary part of your relationship with an autistic person. I'm really sorry this happened to you, and in front of your daughter.
You could maybe try to devise a plan with your husband about how you can together ensure that you and your daughter are not vulnerable when he's feeling overwhelmed in this way (e.g. agreeing he will go to a separate room to decompress). If he's not able to identify that he's overwhelmed with sufficient time to put this plan in place, this is a real problem that needs to be addressed very seriously (I'd have thought with professional help).
Though it's less of an immediate risk, the fact you're feeling responsible for all of the housework also makes you vulnerable in terms of the mental load you're having to take on - long-term, that's a huge strain on you. If your husband simply cannot manage day-to-day tasks such as cleaning, he may be eligible for PIP, which could help with paying for a cleaner. I understand it's incredibly difficult to get benefits, so don't want to sound naive making this suggestion; my point is really that the fact you are having to act as his carer in some ways needs to be acknowledged for your own health and for the sustainability of your family, and you need to find ways to put in place accommodations for the things he cannot do and you cannot sustainably compensate for.
Sorry if I've misunderstood anything - just offering a few thoughts you're very welcome to disagree with. Please take care, and I hope things improve for you soon.
Well said Lisbeth. That behaviour is not ok, and him being autistic makes no difference to that.
Can I just make the point that his treatment of you is not acceptable - and him being autistic doesn’t change that basic principle. I think you need to set firm boundaries with your partner about how he treats you.
You have every right to be treated with love and respect by your partner. In addition your children witnessing him speaking to you like this is completely unacceptable. Both you and your children deserve better than this. If you let him keep speaking to you like that he will just keep doing it,
I too suspected that you may of been from Raxacoricofallapatorius. suspicion diverted.
(Doctor who joke)
It sounds like things have escalated to the point where the deficit in communication, respectfulness and understanding is gone.
I’d recommend a therapist. He needs to learn to walk away in moments like these.
We need to teach our children matters of respect. In order to do this parents need to understand each other’s limitations and difficulties and learn to help one another. It sounds complex but not irreparable. Once someone is over the limit something has to change.
Almost every relationship I’ve been in I’ve walked away from due to feeling continually devalued, dismissed or even laughed at for having issues being overwhelmed with language and emotions. As a woman it seems NeuroTypical women will be much more tolerant of autistic men. And maybe more understanding. But it sends the wrong message to your daughter and he needs to apologise and fix that but honestly it would fix itself should there be a different exchange between the two of you. Sometimes changing your dynamic erases the memory.
Yeah, I should have put that he was diagnosed about 4 years ago.
When I spoke to him about it, he said it was because he knew he only needed a few seconds to put his condiments on but he couldn’t verbalise it and he reacted by slashing the vinegar bottle at my face and then saying what he said.
the thing that really worries me is my daughter was present and saw it
Is he actually diagnosed?
Could he be agitated because dinner wasn’t what was planned? An upset to the usual routine? I’m just thinking how his mind might be working. If he’s Autistic, he’s going to be blunt and some of these things might seen nasty or rude to you. But, the comment he made to you wasn’t acceptable. Neither is bringing up things to that he knows will hurt you. That does not sound like Autism. It sounds like something else.
Autism is not an excuse for behaving like a ***.